You are ugly!
You are worth nothing!
You are not good enough!
You feel it deep inside
The pain that never goes away
You know you are not good enough
The loneliness that aches
You are too unattractive
The desperation is always there
You are simply a burden
People laugh behind your back
Constantly disapproving of you
No matter how hard you try
You are not good enough
You have never been good enough
You never will be good enough
Even if someone compliments you
You know it’s a mistake
You don’t believe it
They certainly can’t mean it anyway
They probably just feel sorry for you
Knowing you’re a problem case
You are so weird
You don’t fit the norm
You don’t belong
You keep comparing yourself
To the way they dress
How gorgeously slim they are
How beautifully their hair shines
How fit and muscular they are
How spontaneous and funny they are
But you
You are just not like that
You certainly cannot do that and
You know that you absolutely cannot have that either
You were born to be the bridesmaid
And will never be a bride
It was just not meant for you to be like them
What is more you believe all this to true?
Don’t you?
But
YOU
Yes you
I’m talking to you
You are actually wrong about all this
You see you were actually made perfect
By the almighty God Himself
Yes! That’s right
The Maker of heaven and earth
You were appointed by Him to be His child
So you are a child of the King of Kings
The eternal everlasting Lord of Lords
And you are His child forever
Yes fooooreeeeveeeer!
You are not just a girl in the crowd
You are not forgotten in the multitude
God chooses YOU
You!
He speaks His words over you
He whispers His name over you
His smile is just for you
Making an unfading imprint on your being
His loving words to you are heavy in the sky
But!
No!
You cringe
Compared to so much beauty around you
He must be wrong
He hasn’t looked carefully enough
He does not know who you really are
How deep the ugliness goes
Why you?
Why does that voice call your name?
Why not someone else?
Someone you look up to
He could do so much more with them
Use me?
What are you talking about, God?
Me?
You’ve made a big mistake
Seriously
Think about it
No I won’t think about it!
Who is likely to be right about this?
The creator of the universe or you?
I want you
I choose you
You are the one I have chosen
to pour out all my love upon
I have known my plans and feelings for you
For as long as I can remember(and that is a long time I can tell you)
Since I first thought of the earth
And all that is in it
Before I made anything or even quieted the heavens
In my thoughts I saw you standing before Me
A smile on My lips
And oh the desire in My heart
The longing for the day
That you would become reality
That you would be born
To live on My earth
So that I could look at you
every day of your life with joy
Oh that day was a wonder
What a celebration we had here
I summoned the angels
And pointed to you
There!
There is My child
Finally after all these years
Look how beautiful
Look how exquisite
So intricately designed
From the complexity of my image
Then we watched as you began to grow
We heard your first laugh
Saw you take your first steps as you learned to walk
You tried to talk and I was thrilled
I watched you all day
I was so delighted
And today
I still delight
I still look down at you with joy
Oh My child if only you could see
What I have put in you!
If only you were able to comprehend
How much I have in store for you
Then you would delight as I do
Then you would look at your life
and your self so differently
I have tried to explain it fully in My book
So you could read it day and night
So you could always hold on to it
But you are too afraid to believe
You are too afraid to hold on
Because your self image is
Distorted
Crushed
Veiled
Destroyed
You have read about yourself in the Bible
But you think you aren’t good enough
You think you have to change first
Only then will I accept you
Only then will I embrace you
Allow me
Oh My child
ALLOW Me
To smooth away the shattered edges
To wipe away the spider webs and tears
To reveal the truth
To heal you
To restore you again
Into the image I had of you
When I first thought of you aeons ago
I see that person in you still
You are how I made you
But there is so much baggage
Piled up on your back
So many lies
Destroying words
Dishonouring actions
False hopes
Bitter wounds
Have pounded into your soul
Under this heavy burden you cannot
Look into My mirror
Because you think you are dirty and that
Your failures
Your bruises
Your doubts
Your memories
Your pain
Your unforgiveness
Have turned Me away from you
But my child
This is why I gave my Son
He was wounded for your transgressions
Bruised for your iniquities
Despised on the cross
He was rejected so He could take away your rejection
In your place He was deserted
so you don’t have to feel that way
Even by Me
Yes, even by ME
I turned My head away from Him
I could not look at Him
It was revolting to my eyes
How much it hurt for Me to reject My son
But how much was accomplished
And of such value to mankind
those long dark hours were!
Because now the way is free between you and My throne
The door is open and all the obstacles are gone
So are you coming?
I am inviting you to my throne right now
Draw close to Me
Come My child
I long for you
And I know you long for it to
There is NOTHING that can stand between us
Believe me
I do not lie you know
This is the whole truth
I love YOU!
Come
COME
Let me embrace you
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Draw a smile on your lips
Allow me
ALLOW ME
My heart beats for you
I think you are so beautiful
So utterly beautiful
So incredibly wonderful
So perfect
Come!
Thursday, 27 December 2007
Sunday, 23 December 2007
Broken
A smile that hides a world of pain,
Behind those eyes there's fear.
Skin that was once clean and pure,
Now the dirt won't clear.
Invisible to their innocent eyes,
Wounds that will not heal.
Destroyed in the worst possible way,
the pain does not seem real.
His voice created the fear in her eyes,
His touch caused the dirt.
Memories caused those painful wounds,
Unseen, but they hurt.
Inside her there are shards of glass,
Thoughts remain unspoken.
Those memories will never rest,
Now inside she's broken
Behind those eyes there's fear.
Skin that was once clean and pure,
Now the dirt won't clear.
Invisible to their innocent eyes,
Wounds that will not heal.
Destroyed in the worst possible way,
the pain does not seem real.
His voice created the fear in her eyes,
His touch caused the dirt.
Memories caused those painful wounds,
Unseen, but they hurt.
Inside her there are shards of glass,
Thoughts remain unspoken.
Those memories will never rest,
Now inside she's broken
Sunday, 16 December 2007
I Deserve
I deserve
I deserve pain,
not love,
I deserve enemies,
not friends,
I deserve punishment,
not a hug,
I deserve tears,
not smiles,
I deserve dislike,
not caring,
I deserve sadness,
not happiness,
I deserve death,
not eternity,
I deserve abuse,
not worthiness,
I deserve hurt,
not relief,
I deserve wounds,
not presents,
death is knocking,
soon my hand will unite,
with deaths and we will fly away into the mist.
I deserve pain,
not love,
I deserve enemies,
not friends,
I deserve punishment,
not a hug,
I deserve tears,
not smiles,
I deserve dislike,
not caring,
I deserve sadness,
not happiness,
I deserve death,
not eternity,
I deserve abuse,
not worthiness,
I deserve hurt,
not relief,
I deserve wounds,
not presents,
death is knocking,
soon my hand will unite,
with deaths and we will fly away into the mist.
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
The Silent Child
My apologies if this upsets anyone
She sits alone in her room
and wipes away her tears
Hiding beneath the covers
so no one else hears ~
She wraps them tight around her
to shut out all her pain
Praying if there is a God
to make her safe again.
She snuggles deep into her bed
holding the covers tight
Cuddling her little teddy bear
she leaves on the light ~
She waits for the assurance
that all has gone to bed
Then settles into slumber
so she can dream instead.
She wakes at the sound of footsteps
walking down the hall
Then he stops outside her room
and opens up the door ~
She shivers with her childlike fear
as she starts to cry
Knowing what he has come here for
though she doesn't know why.
He tells her she is special
that she's his little girl
As he pulls back the covers
into her silent world ~
He says that it's their secret
the special game they play
For no one else would understand;
they'd just take him away.
She lay there in her silence
with her clothes on the floor
Trying not to think of it
as the tears slowly fall ~
She hears the clock ticking
as her mind drifts away
Her teddy bear beside her
where he also lay.
She wonders why he comes to her
in the middle of the night
When he should be with mummy
holding her so tight ~
She listens to him tell her
that she will be to blame
If anyone discovers
their special secret game.
She pulls up the covers
as he rises from her bed
Tweaking at her little nose
and kissing her forehead ~
She watches as he dresses
as he tells her once again
This is their little secret;
she mustn't say a thing.
She watches as he leaves her room
and closes the door
And listens for his footsteps
walking back down the hall ~
Then she cuddles up to teddy
and cries her silent tears
Beneath her soiled covers
so no one else can hear.
And as she lay in her silence
with her tear-filled eyes
Each time that he comes to her
a part of her dies ~
So she curls up in her bed
and hugs her teddy tight
And prays that he will never come
to her again at night.
She sits alone in her room
and wipes away her tears
Hiding beneath the covers
so no one else hears ~
She wraps them tight around her
to shut out all her pain
Praying if there is a God
to make her safe again.
She snuggles deep into her bed
holding the covers tight
Cuddling her little teddy bear
she leaves on the light ~
She waits for the assurance
that all has gone to bed
Then settles into slumber
so she can dream instead.
She wakes at the sound of footsteps
walking down the hall
Then he stops outside her room
and opens up the door ~
She shivers with her childlike fear
as she starts to cry
Knowing what he has come here for
though she doesn't know why.
He tells her she is special
that she's his little girl
As he pulls back the covers
into her silent world ~
He says that it's their secret
the special game they play
For no one else would understand;
they'd just take him away.
She lay there in her silence
with her clothes on the floor
Trying not to think of it
as the tears slowly fall ~
She hears the clock ticking
as her mind drifts away
Her teddy bear beside her
where he also lay.
She wonders why he comes to her
in the middle of the night
When he should be with mummy
holding her so tight ~
She listens to him tell her
that she will be to blame
If anyone discovers
their special secret game.
She pulls up the covers
as he rises from her bed
Tweaking at her little nose
and kissing her forehead ~
She watches as he dresses
as he tells her once again
This is their little secret;
she mustn't say a thing.
She watches as he leaves her room
and closes the door
And listens for his footsteps
walking back down the hall ~
Then she cuddles up to teddy
and cries her silent tears
Beneath her soiled covers
so no one else can hear.
And as she lay in her silence
with her tear-filled eyes
Each time that he comes to her
a part of her dies ~
So she curls up in her bed
and hugs her teddy tight
And prays that he will never come
to her again at night.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
How
How can I move forwards if I’m constantly looking over my shoulder?
How can I speak if I think you’re always listening?
How can I reach forwards if I’m scared I’ll find your hand?
How can I cry without handing you power?
Where can I turn when you’re lurking in the shadows?
Where can I run with you weighing down my feet?
What can I write if you’re looking over my shoulder?
How can I live, with you in this world?
Struggling a bit tonight, I think it's because I am tired and not feelin 100%. The urge to cut is great and I'm sat here typing trying to keep myself occupied. I have tried various things to stop myself cutting such as an elastic band around my wrist, holding ice cubes in my hands, drawing with red pens and even shredding things. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I am failing miserably. It's my own fault too, this last few weeks I have been pushing myself at work and burying myself so as not to think about things. I have had a tough time recently with nightmares and things coming up in counselling, things that I never wanted to say out loud. Some feelings never seem to go away, no matter how much I know logically and rationally the feeling of shame haunts me.
And the big question is why do I cut myself ?? I can only answer that I need a release for the pain and the emotions I feel, and sometimes words are just not enough....
How can I speak if I think you’re always listening?
How can I reach forwards if I’m scared I’ll find your hand?
How can I cry without handing you power?
Where can I turn when you’re lurking in the shadows?
Where can I run with you weighing down my feet?
What can I write if you’re looking over my shoulder?
How can I live, with you in this world?
Struggling a bit tonight, I think it's because I am tired and not feelin 100%. The urge to cut is great and I'm sat here typing trying to keep myself occupied. I have tried various things to stop myself cutting such as an elastic band around my wrist, holding ice cubes in my hands, drawing with red pens and even shredding things. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I am failing miserably. It's my own fault too, this last few weeks I have been pushing myself at work and burying myself so as not to think about things. I have had a tough time recently with nightmares and things coming up in counselling, things that I never wanted to say out loud. Some feelings never seem to go away, no matter how much I know logically and rationally the feeling of shame haunts me.
And the big question is why do I cut myself ?? I can only answer that I need a release for the pain and the emotions I feel, and sometimes words are just not enough....
Friday, 23 November 2007
Fear
Self Harm
Sometimes, I am afraid of myself.
Afraid of what I think.
Afraid of what I might do.
Of what I want to do.
I am told
"Do not be afraid of anything;
Nothing can hurt you now."
But does that include me?
It is the only way I can continue, survive.
No-one can hurt me now...
It is true.
No-one can hurt me,
Because I get there first.
I have done it again and I am filled with disgust and guilt for doing it.
Sometimes, I am afraid of myself.
Afraid of what I think.
Afraid of what I might do.
Of what I want to do.
I am told
"Do not be afraid of anything;
Nothing can hurt you now."
But does that include me?
It is the only way I can continue, survive.
No-one can hurt me now...
It is true.
No-one can hurt me,
Because I get there first.
I have done it again and I am filled with disgust and guilt for doing it.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
What Life Is This ?
What Life Is This?
What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
for something seems amiss,
as my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.
Down to the darkness I descend,
past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.
It all started with a flick of the wrist,
one immediate release.
Something I could not resist,
nor find the heart to cease-
For I found a way to exist.
But now the time seems to have come,
for me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
my high has met its low-
To the depths of despair, and I succumb.
This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within
This madness I do reveal
behind the ever-present grin
Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
and what’s part of me?
Behind this dark and gloom
lies the real me inside,
whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb
What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
for something seems amiss,
as my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.
Down to the darkness I descend,
past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.
It all started with a flick of the wrist,
one immediate release.
Something I could not resist,
nor find the heart to cease-
For I found a way to exist.
But now the time seems to have come,
for me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
my high has met its low-
To the depths of despair, and I succumb.
This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within
This madness I do reveal
behind the ever-present grin
Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
and what’s part of me?
Behind this dark and gloom
lies the real me inside,
whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Help
Hmmm what do you do when all you want to do is cry ? I have come to the conclusion that this is a lonely world we live in. As I write this I am sat in an office of 8 people and although we all get on and there is plenty of conversation I feel very alone.
Maybe this is life, I don't know. Perhaps it is a case of walk a mile in my shoes to see what is really going on with someone. I am holding it together, trying desperately hard not to let them see that I am panicking, that I don't know what to do, that really I am still stuck in that big black pit that I have been in for so long now.
Don't get me wrong this is not a total whinge. I have some great friends and they are trying so hard to understand where I am and what is going on with me. BUT and I apologise if any of you are reading this, I am tearing myself apart. Look to the future leave the past behind, well I wish it were that easy. I live with reminders, I avoid certain things because I know they will be a trigger for me. Believe me when I say there is no worse place to be than in a room full of people while having a flashback.
I know that a lot of my loneliness is of my own doing, but that is also my way of dealing with things to run away and hide. I feel overwhelmed unable to function as I should, battered and bruised, tired and emotional, worn out and broken.
Maybe this is life, I don't know. Perhaps it is a case of walk a mile in my shoes to see what is really going on with someone. I am holding it together, trying desperately hard not to let them see that I am panicking, that I don't know what to do, that really I am still stuck in that big black pit that I have been in for so long now.
Don't get me wrong this is not a total whinge. I have some great friends and they are trying so hard to understand where I am and what is going on with me. BUT and I apologise if any of you are reading this, I am tearing myself apart. Look to the future leave the past behind, well I wish it were that easy. I live with reminders, I avoid certain things because I know they will be a trigger for me. Believe me when I say there is no worse place to be than in a room full of people while having a flashback.
I know that a lot of my loneliness is of my own doing, but that is also my way of dealing with things to run away and hide. I feel overwhelmed unable to function as I should, battered and bruised, tired and emotional, worn out and broken.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Today
Just so you know you might not want to read this cos I'm not in a great place just now......
Dear Daddy,
You were always my hero, even when you were the monster in my nightmares. I always figured daddy knew best... nothing you could do would ever be wrong. It's now that I am a big girl and I think back on all the things you did to hurt me that I realize you were no hero. You hurt me Daddy, you caused me more pain than you may ever know or realize. I don't hate you Daddy, I still love you because to hurt me so bad, to hurt ANYONE so bad you must have a lot of anger and pain inside of you. It destroyed me once. I am not going to let the same hate and anger develop inside of me and destroy me again. I will never forgive you, but I don't hate you. I just need to know...
Daddy, I was so little, what did I do to deserve what you did to me? What did I do that was so wrong? You never told me so I could never fix it. If you had told me what I was doing wrong I could have stopped it. You wouldn't have had to hurt me over and over. Daddy, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I just wanted your love and your acceptance. I wanted to be your little girl. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to make you proud. Why Daddy? Why did you hurt me night after night? Why did you hurt me so bad? What did I do to make you so angry... to make you want to hurt me so deeply? Did you hate me? I want to know why DAMMIT! I hurt, I am filled with pain because of the things that you did to me. The things that you did, while I was supposed to be a happy little girl, I was filled with fear and self doubt... wonder and anger at myself. You made me think I was a terrible little girl. I need to know why. I am so sorry Daddy, I tried so hard, I swear I did. I did everything that I knew how to do, yet these things seemed to make you angrier with me. Was I so bad Daddy? I tried so hard to be good. Why Daddy? Why did you hate me and hurt me? I need to know... please tell me. I loved you.. I admired you. You were my hero, my knight in shining armor, my daddy. Why did you hurt me? Maybe you can help me understand, I am willing to try. So, tell me Daddy... WHY?
Your little girl,
Dear Daddy,
You were always my hero, even when you were the monster in my nightmares. I always figured daddy knew best... nothing you could do would ever be wrong. It's now that I am a big girl and I think back on all the things you did to hurt me that I realize you were no hero. You hurt me Daddy, you caused me more pain than you may ever know or realize. I don't hate you Daddy, I still love you because to hurt me so bad, to hurt ANYONE so bad you must have a lot of anger and pain inside of you. It destroyed me once. I am not going to let the same hate and anger develop inside of me and destroy me again. I will never forgive you, but I don't hate you. I just need to know...
Daddy, I was so little, what did I do to deserve what you did to me? What did I do that was so wrong? You never told me so I could never fix it. If you had told me what I was doing wrong I could have stopped it. You wouldn't have had to hurt me over and over. Daddy, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I just wanted your love and your acceptance. I wanted to be your little girl. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to make you proud. Why Daddy? Why did you hurt me night after night? Why did you hurt me so bad? What did I do to make you so angry... to make you want to hurt me so deeply? Did you hate me? I want to know why DAMMIT! I hurt, I am filled with pain because of the things that you did to me. The things that you did, while I was supposed to be a happy little girl, I was filled with fear and self doubt... wonder and anger at myself. You made me think I was a terrible little girl. I need to know why. I am so sorry Daddy, I tried so hard, I swear I did. I did everything that I knew how to do, yet these things seemed to make you angrier with me. Was I so bad Daddy? I tried so hard to be good. Why Daddy? Why did you hate me and hurt me? I need to know... please tell me. I loved you.. I admired you. You were my hero, my knight in shining armor, my daddy. Why did you hurt me? Maybe you can help me understand, I am willing to try. So, tell me Daddy... WHY?
Your little girl,
Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Mirror, mirror
The fog starts to slowly drift away,
My thoughts turn from dark to a dull grey,
Heart has stopped its pounding, slowing down,
Feelings no longer engulf me, no need to drown,
Panic attacks they leave me helpless,
Must be stress, I can only try and guess,
At the reasons why, reasons I try and hide,
Feelings that something has gone, died deep inside,
Some days I’m happy, some are quite sad,
Most of the time I’m feeling I am mad,
Mirror reflection winks back at me,
She rubs her hands together with a certain glee,
She knows you see, what I don’t or can’t,
Her mouth slowly begins its chant,
“You are me and I am you,”
“There is really nothing you can do,”
She sees all I hate about me
My thoughts turn from dark to a dull grey,
Heart has stopped its pounding, slowing down,
Feelings no longer engulf me, no need to drown,
Panic attacks they leave me helpless,
Must be stress, I can only try and guess,
At the reasons why, reasons I try and hide,
Feelings that something has gone, died deep inside,
Some days I’m happy, some are quite sad,
Most of the time I’m feeling I am mad,
Mirror reflection winks back at me,
She rubs her hands together with a certain glee,
She knows you see, what I don’t or can’t,
Her mouth slowly begins its chant,
“You are me and I am you,”
“There is really nothing you can do,”
She sees all I hate about me
Friday, 26 October 2007
When You Can't Go On
When You Feel You Can't Go On
(Please Hold On)
I'm sorry that you're hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are.
I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.
I ask though that you hold onto one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you're trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.
Difficult to imagine isn't it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body it seems cries out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.
And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty, broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.
Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can't banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.
Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.
Hold on because it's worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy.
Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.
Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can't now imagine waiting ahead on your journey - a destiny that only you can fulfill.
Hold on although you're exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes, hold on even though.
Please hold on.
So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know... So many of us have cried in despair, why? why? why? and still the answers and the comfort failed to show. Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who've stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, torturous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.
And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you'll begin to feel its' warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward please.
Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there. When you're exhausted, when all you have to count on is a weakened, weary faith, hold on. When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it's not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.
Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.
Hold on.
Please hold on.
Monday, 22 October 2007
Shhhhhhhhhhhh
I am trying to look as though I am working as I'm sat here at my desk feeling very frustrated. My nemesis leaves tomorrow (hurrah !!!) But we have this uneasy feeling that she will be unable to leave without spitting her venom on us. I am dreading it.
I am feeling very agitated, almost on the verge of throwing up and I don't really understand why. Can this really be linked back to things that have happened previously, I don't know. I am trying to trust God with this and with everything else, I am clinging on to the fact that He loves me, and as always I am failing to hand anything over to Him - other than my favourite prayer at the moment of God help me.
I doubt I will ever get my head round the whole God thing, I have severe doubts about God's place in my heart, and about my ability to trust Him with everything. The nagging doubts, the negative comments are ringing loudly in my ears.
I am feeling very agitated, almost on the verge of throwing up and I don't really understand why. Can this really be linked back to things that have happened previously, I don't know. I am trying to trust God with this and with everything else, I am clinging on to the fact that He loves me, and as always I am failing to hand anything over to Him - other than my favourite prayer at the moment of God help me.
I doubt I will ever get my head round the whole God thing, I have severe doubts about God's place in my heart, and about my ability to trust Him with everything. The nagging doubts, the negative comments are ringing loudly in my ears.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Time
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
Time is a strange thing, it's supposed to be the great healer - as is God apparently !
But time is also a dangerous thing, time to think, dwell & ponder can be seriously damaging to your health. I find myself constantly trying to fill my time - I am trying to avoid thinking, but this isn't possible.
I have too many questions going round my head, questions that can never be answered, but I can't stop asking them.
And the time has come for me to ask myself what am I going to do about this?
Well, there was a time when I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Today I know that is not the answer. I just want to never be in fear, to not be scared of where, if and when I will be trapped by him again. He is there even when I sleep , he haunts my dreams.
God if you're listening help me out with this please.
I can't go on like this.
A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
Time is a strange thing, it's supposed to be the great healer - as is God apparently !
But time is also a dangerous thing, time to think, dwell & ponder can be seriously damaging to your health. I find myself constantly trying to fill my time - I am trying to avoid thinking, but this isn't possible.
I have too many questions going round my head, questions that can never be answered, but I can't stop asking them.
And the time has come for me to ask myself what am I going to do about this?
Well, there was a time when I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Today I know that is not the answer. I just want to never be in fear, to not be scared of where, if and when I will be trapped by him again. He is there even when I sleep , he haunts my dreams.
God if you're listening help me out with this please.
I can't go on like this.
Saturday, 6 October 2007
Battle
This week has been a battle, and while I'm not sure I'm winning the battle at least I am still here.
There are some things I am certain of : -
1) Trying to run away and hide from what is going on is not good for me (even though this is what I do best)
2) To cut myself is not the answer - even though it does bring some release
3) That avoiding talking about my emotions etc does not make them go away
4) I have some amazingly loving and caring friends (without these I wouldn't be here now)
There are some things I am not so certain of : -
1) That I'll ever be able to get over what has happened in my life
2) That God is and always has been with me
3) That I will ever learn to stop hating myself
4) That I won't feel this way again
There are some things I am certain of : -
1) Trying to run away and hide from what is going on is not good for me (even though this is what I do best)
2) To cut myself is not the answer - even though it does bring some release
3) That avoiding talking about my emotions etc does not make them go away
4) I have some amazingly loving and caring friends (without these I wouldn't be here now)
There are some things I am not so certain of : -
1) That I'll ever be able to get over what has happened in my life
2) That God is and always has been with me
3) That I will ever learn to stop hating myself
4) That I won't feel this way again
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
WooooooooooooooHooooooooooooooo
SHE QUIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It had been another bad day, but at 5 O'clock as everyone was running out the door she handed a letter to my boss. She has given 1 months notice.
Now I should feel a huge sense of relief and I'm sure in time that will come, but right now I'm feeling a little bad about things.
Monday, 1 October 2007
I don't know
OK the title of the blog is that because i didn't know what else to call it that didn't contain expletives .
I've either done something really clever or I've been really stupid I don't know which. I spoke to my boss about the ongoing issue i am having at work at the moment and basically said to her that either it gets sorted out or i'm going elsewhere.
Why have i done this you might ask ?
Well here are my reasons, firstly I cannot go on the way I am. Secondly, for the first time in a while I am seriously considering cutting ( cos God knows i need the release) - it's really making me feel bad. And thirdly, i know my boss doesn't want me to go, but i need to force her hand a little or nothing will ever change and really i don't want to leave as i like my job and i think i'm quite good at it.
The bottom line here for me is that i'm sat here with all the negative thoughts about myself and the reality is i'm worth more than that. See how easy that was to say ?? If only i could convince myself.
Now I will bid you farewell while i go and use the shower and cry in peace.
I've either done something really clever or I've been really stupid I don't know which. I spoke to my boss about the ongoing issue i am having at work at the moment and basically said to her that either it gets sorted out or i'm going elsewhere.
Why have i done this you might ask ?
Well here are my reasons, firstly I cannot go on the way I am. Secondly, for the first time in a while I am seriously considering cutting ( cos God knows i need the release) - it's really making me feel bad. And thirdly, i know my boss doesn't want me to go, but i need to force her hand a little or nothing will ever change and really i don't want to leave as i like my job and i think i'm quite good at it.
The bottom line here for me is that i'm sat here with all the negative thoughts about myself and the reality is i'm worth more than that. See how easy that was to say ?? If only i could convince myself.
Now I will bid you farewell while i go and use the shower and cry in peace.
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
Stress
Well my stress levels are rising rapidly, I have made a real conscious effort at work to remain calm and in control, but the situation I'm finding myself in is starting to bring on the panic attacks.
I know it sounds stupid and it probably is, but I feel like I can't be myself and in a way (this is the really stupid part) I'm starting to feel like I did when I was living at home. That I can't do or say what I want because of the repercussions. And this is what's making me panic. Last week I tried to talk to my boss about what's been going on, and thankfully we went into another office for this chat and it took me nearly 15 minutes to get a sentence out because I couldn't breath. While my boss was very understanding and extremely encouraging she has left me with 3 options : -
I know it sounds stupid and it probably is, but I feel like I can't be myself and in a way (this is the really stupid part) I'm starting to feel like I did when I was living at home. That I can't do or say what I want because of the repercussions. And this is what's making me panic. Last week I tried to talk to my boss about what's been going on, and thankfully we went into another office for this chat and it took me nearly 15 minutes to get a sentence out because I couldn't breath. While my boss was very understanding and extremely encouraging she has left me with 3 options : -
- The 3 of us sit down together and talk about what's going on. - Yes it seems like the logical thing to do and if I was feeling brave enough I would probably do it, but I hate to admit it but I'm scared of doing this because the more stressed I become the more difficulty I have in saying what I've got to say, and if I'm totally honest I don't think I could sit there and listen to this person blame me for the situation (too many memories of dad blaming me for everything)
- Go to HR - Just not an option
- Just get on with things - for now this is the option I have chosen. Having spoken to my boss we both live in the hope that this other person will leave and get a new job. I am also keeping my eye out for a new job just in case.
I realise that I hate any kind of confrontation and seem to be constantly covering up for someone when they continually ignore the instructions given to them. I just don't know how long I can go on before I say what I'm really thinking. The way I'm feeling this last few weeks I know I need to be careful because it's very easy for me to slip back into the depths of depression and I've fighting so hard to get out of it. As always my last resort seems to be God - maybe one day I will learn that this should ALWAYS be my first option.
Friday, 21 September 2007
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Another week
Well it's been another busy, busy week. Firstly i bought a new car, it's 1 year old and I love it. The picture isn't mine but it's similar -
Things haven't improved much in work we're still having system problems, and to top off an absolutely stunning week someone decided to storm out of the office ( no, it wasn't me)
Now, don't get me wrong I know we all have bad days, but this person is suffering for a permanent bout of PMS. She takes offense at everything and the younger girls in the office are afraid of talking to her. I'm the kind of person who if I get mad with someone I forget it quickly rather than let it linger, but with her when she stormed out I found myself still mad with her the next day, which wasn't good. And before you ask yes it was because of something I said that she stormed out. Whether she likes it or not I am in charge and sometimes we all have to do things we don't like or bite the bullet and accept that someone (being me) does know what's the best thing to do and just do it.
If she decides to p me off again this week look out for fireworks because I'm fed up of having to clear up her incompetence.
Saturday, 1 September 2007
Crazy Life
Afternoon people, well today I am saying thank God it's Saturday, it has been a crazy week and I am shattered.
This week apart from driving myself crazy with work I have been learning a valuable God lesson. I am very aware of the fact that I push myself to the extreme. I do this for 2 reasons, firstly, I am a people pleaser - I am constantly seeking acceptance and love for what I do not who I am. Secondly, where certain things are concerned I am a perfectionist.
The reason I mention these things is because this week we moved office at work and with this move came certain problems, such as the computer system only working in one office and not the office we moved from. This is not very interesting I know but for me it meant doing about 3 different peoples jobs as well as my own. So basically I have been stressed all work and probably not done any of the jobs including my own to my usual standard -which for someone like me who is desperate for acceptance is creating a certain amount of panic.
But in all the panic and mayhem, God took time to teach me something I will cling to. I have been trying to read daily The Word for Today and on Thursday this is what i said
"Until your self-concept lines up with God's concept of you, as revealed in His Word, you'll keep seeing yourself as inferior and unworthy; and that will hold up your spiritual growth. Nobody knows you like God does. And in spite of your struggles and stumblings, He loves and accepts you just as you are. God told Jeremiah, 'Before I formed you...I knew...and approved of you.' Stop worrying about being rejected when you don't 'perform' perfectly. The world operates like that, but not God."
So today as I try and catch up on some rest I am thankful that no one knows me like God does, and that when I am weak He is strong - He is my strength and shield.
This week apart from driving myself crazy with work I have been learning a valuable God lesson. I am very aware of the fact that I push myself to the extreme. I do this for 2 reasons, firstly, I am a people pleaser - I am constantly seeking acceptance and love for what I do not who I am. Secondly, where certain things are concerned I am a perfectionist.
The reason I mention these things is because this week we moved office at work and with this move came certain problems, such as the computer system only working in one office and not the office we moved from. This is not very interesting I know but for me it meant doing about 3 different peoples jobs as well as my own. So basically I have been stressed all work and probably not done any of the jobs including my own to my usual standard -which for someone like me who is desperate for acceptance is creating a certain amount of panic.
But in all the panic and mayhem, God took time to teach me something I will cling to. I have been trying to read daily The Word for Today and on Thursday this is what i said
"Until your self-concept lines up with God's concept of you, as revealed in His Word, you'll keep seeing yourself as inferior and unworthy; and that will hold up your spiritual growth. Nobody knows you like God does. And in spite of your struggles and stumblings, He loves and accepts you just as you are. God told Jeremiah, 'Before I formed you...I knew...and approved of you.' Stop worrying about being rejected when you don't 'perform' perfectly. The world operates like that, but not God."
So today as I try and catch up on some rest I am thankful that no one knows me like God does, and that when I am weak He is strong - He is my strength and shield.
Monday, 20 August 2007
Utd who ?? ROFL !!!
Now I know many of my avid readers have no interest in football however, I feel it is my duty as a true fan to show you the winning goal from the derby yesterday
And if that hasn't made me laugh all day long in work then this next one most certainly did. This is Utd's manager Alex (Rudolph) Ferguson he thought his team had equalised in the last minute of the game ROFL just look at his disappointment ROFL
What a great day in work ROFL
Saturday, 18 August 2007
Is revenge always wrong ?
I'm asking this question for a purpose. This week for the 5th time I have had my car broken into and the radio stolen. Now yes I know it's only a car, but because of this my insurance keeps going up.
I'm frustrated because no one seems that bothered. My theory is that if I were to ever catch the cretins that keep doing this I would get them to lick up all the broken glass with their tongues. Then they might think twice before doing it again.
Anyway, moving on tomorrow is derby day here in Manchester and for the first time in 29 years whatever the result tomorrow City will still be above the scumbags in the league. I dread the local derby because I can't relax till it's over. So COME ON CITY!!!!!!
I'm frustrated because no one seems that bothered. My theory is that if I were to ever catch the cretins that keep doing this I would get them to lick up all the broken glass with their tongues. Then they might think twice before doing it again.
Anyway, moving on tomorrow is derby day here in Manchester and for the first time in 29 years whatever the result tomorrow City will still be above the scumbags in the league. I dread the local derby because I can't relax till it's over. So COME ON CITY!!!!!!
Saturday, 11 August 2007
The Footy season starts again
AT LAST THE SEASON HAS STARTED YAY!!!!!!
And what makes it even better is that my beloved team Manchester City WON (yes I know it's hard to believe)
And this is OUR song lol
Blue Moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue Moon
You know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for
Friday, 3 August 2007
A good day
This is my gorgeous nephew Callum when he was a few months old. Now because of circumstances I don't get to see him very often. I love him to bits, I look at him and my wish is for him to have a great childhood filled with love and no fear.
Now I have had the craziest few weeks at work and yesterday was just awful, but I got a phone call asking me if I would like to go and see Callum so obviously I jumped at the chance. Isn't it amazing how a smile can just change the way you feel.
This is the photo I got today (when he eventually sat still) he is walking and saying some words, but that smile just melted my heart today. So today is a good day.
Thursday, 26 July 2007
Today
I love You, Lord, for many things,
that words cannot describe...
Your steady hand upon my life,Your presence by my side.
I love Your Spirit and Your Truth
and all Your ways so pure...
I love the wisdom that You give
that helps my faith mature.
I love the way You speak to me
in fellowship each day...
the way Your Spirit fills my heart,
when I begin to pray.
I love Your guidance on my path
that keeps my footing sure...
I love ALL things, about you,
Lord,in You, I am secure.
Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how I praise you! Psalm 63:3
This is a new beginning, the old has gone the new has come. Today I have hope, today there is no fear or despair. Why ? Because I know I am not alone.
Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. James 4:8
May God hold you in the palm of His hand and Angels watch over you.
But for those of us who are already His, He not only holds us in the palm of His hand, but has engraved our names there, and we are continually in His sight (Isaiah 49:16)
Yes, I do love God. He is the source of my existence and Saviour.
He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without him, I am nothing but with Him "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." Phil 4:13
that words cannot describe...
Your steady hand upon my life,Your presence by my side.
I love Your Spirit and Your Truth
and all Your ways so pure...
I love the wisdom that You give
that helps my faith mature.
I love the way You speak to me
in fellowship each day...
the way Your Spirit fills my heart,
when I begin to pray.
I love Your guidance on my path
that keeps my footing sure...
I love ALL things, about you,
Lord,in You, I am secure.
Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how I praise you! Psalm 63:3
This is a new beginning, the old has gone the new has come. Today I have hope, today there is no fear or despair. Why ? Because I know I am not alone.
Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. James 4:8
May God hold you in the palm of His hand and Angels watch over you.
But for those of us who are already His, He not only holds us in the palm of His hand, but has engraved our names there, and we are continually in His sight (Isaiah 49:16)
Yes, I do love God. He is the source of my existence and Saviour.
He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without him, I am nothing but with Him "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." Phil 4:13
Sunday, 22 July 2007
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday
I have nothing special planned but I have decided today that I am going to thank God for my birthday lol . I know that might sound a little crazy. But not that long ago I didn't care if I even saw the next day never mind the next year.
I have hope today, I know that I am safe, I know and trust that God is in control. I am blessed with some amazing friends who have dragged me out of my despair. Who have helped me laugh and have let me cry when I needed too.
I'm not going to name names here, but I thank God for you all everyday. People don't always understand why we spend so much time on the net but for me it has been a lifesaver. It has introduced me to people who don't judge me, who have accepted me as I am.
So today I am getting ready to celebrate the fact that I am here to have another birthday, celebrate the fact that I have awesome friends and just in case I don't say it thanks & I love ya all loads.
I have nothing special planned but I have decided today that I am going to thank God for my birthday lol . I know that might sound a little crazy. But not that long ago I didn't care if I even saw the next day never mind the next year.
I have hope today, I know that I am safe, I know and trust that God is in control. I am blessed with some amazing friends who have dragged me out of my despair. Who have helped me laugh and have let me cry when I needed too.
I'm not going to name names here, but I thank God for you all everyday. People don't always understand why we spend so much time on the net but for me it has been a lifesaver. It has introduced me to people who don't judge me, who have accepted me as I am.
So today I am getting ready to celebrate the fact that I am here to have another birthday, celebrate the fact that I have awesome friends and just in case I don't say it thanks & I love ya all loads.
Monday, 16 July 2007
This is me
Hello, I must warn you before reading this that it isn't pleasant reading. However, for me at times it is the only way I have of expressing my nightmares and stuff. So I suggest if you don't want to know go away now.
Sat here reminiscing
Memories of my childhood
The worse one of all
As I hit the floor with a thud
The night you took advantage
My life has never been the same
A little innocent girl aged eight
Feeling so much bloody pain
The first night you turned on me
When you pushed me onto my bed
I try so hard to drown it out
But it keeps replaying in my head
One hand firmly on my mouth
The other running down my skin
Tears falling from my eyes
Feeling you deep within
Trying to push you off
But you held me down with force
Looking at you through innocent eyes
Do you feel any remorse?
You didn't stop after that once
It happened too many times more
I learnt to shut off from it
& wait till you left me there on the floor
Every time you walked out the room
I would break down & cry
Although I didn't really understand
For 22 years I've kept all this inside
It eats away at me
Every single day of my life
How could you do that to me
A little innocent girl aged only eight....
Sat here reminiscing
Memories of my childhood
The worse one of all
As I hit the floor with a thud
The night you took advantage
My life has never been the same
A little innocent girl aged eight
Feeling so much bloody pain
The first night you turned on me
When you pushed me onto my bed
I try so hard to drown it out
But it keeps replaying in my head
One hand firmly on my mouth
The other running down my skin
Tears falling from my eyes
Feeling you deep within
Trying to push you off
But you held me down with force
Looking at you through innocent eyes
Do you feel any remorse?
You didn't stop after that once
It happened too many times more
I learnt to shut off from it
& wait till you left me there on the floor
Every time you walked out the room
I would break down & cry
Although I didn't really understand
For 22 years I've kept all this inside
It eats away at me
Every single day of my life
How could you do that to me
A little innocent girl aged only eight....
Sunday, 8 July 2007
What's going on ?
Where am I up to ?
A question to start my blog today, I have been doing sort of OK plodding along in my own little world, but this last week I have noticed some old urges creeping back in.
I haven't self harmed since May which for me is a seriously long time, but this week it has been a huge battle not to go back to it. For several reasons I think. Firstly as I said at the beginning I've been in my own little world, which for me means avoiding feeling things, hiding from what is really going on - which is never good in my case. Secondly, I have been challenged to get rid of my blades, at the moment I have kept them as a sort of security - a just in case.
I'm confused, frustrated and incapable of actually saying why. I am trying so hard not to dwell on the past and the negative thoughts, but today especially the shame and the self hatred has been overwhelming. In the past my first instinct would be to cut. And right now that would be so much easier than actually dealing with stuff. I know it is hard for people to understand why I would want to hurt myself in that way but when there is no way of releasing the emotions this allows me to feel the pain and cry out.
OK so now anyone reading this officially knows I'm a total freak. But hey you knew that anyway!!! I'm just struggling today and please God tomorrow will be different. I just have to keep firmly focused on God and His amazing love for me.
A question to start my blog today, I have been doing sort of OK plodding along in my own little world, but this last week I have noticed some old urges creeping back in.
I haven't self harmed since May which for me is a seriously long time, but this week it has been a huge battle not to go back to it. For several reasons I think. Firstly as I said at the beginning I've been in my own little world, which for me means avoiding feeling things, hiding from what is really going on - which is never good in my case. Secondly, I have been challenged to get rid of my blades, at the moment I have kept them as a sort of security - a just in case.
I'm confused, frustrated and incapable of actually saying why. I am trying so hard not to dwell on the past and the negative thoughts, but today especially the shame and the self hatred has been overwhelming. In the past my first instinct would be to cut. And right now that would be so much easier than actually dealing with stuff. I know it is hard for people to understand why I would want to hurt myself in that way but when there is no way of releasing the emotions this allows me to feel the pain and cry out.
OK so now anyone reading this officially knows I'm a total freak. But hey you knew that anyway!!! I'm just struggling today and please God tomorrow will be different. I just have to keep firmly focused on God and His amazing love for me.
Sunday, 1 July 2007
Is it the weather ??
Not really sure what's going on at the minute. Life is crazy at work, I am so busy and some days I barely move from my desk. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining, busy is good less time to think and dwell on things.
For whatever reason though this weekend has been really tough. It's been a constant battle to stay positive and a lot of the time I've failed. I hate being a blubbering emotional wreck. And again I see old patterns emerging. A classic sign that things aren't right is that I automatically go into hiding, I can't face anyone or anything. Thankfully, I haven't resorted to anything else which is a good sign.
It honestly feels like a big black cloud hanging over my head. I am dreading tomorrow and know that the mask will have to be put on again. I just don't know if I have the energy for it. Maybe it is time for a holiday.
What is my problem ? Why can't I let go and let God take control ?
For whatever reason though this weekend has been really tough. It's been a constant battle to stay positive and a lot of the time I've failed. I hate being a blubbering emotional wreck. And again I see old patterns emerging. A classic sign that things aren't right is that I automatically go into hiding, I can't face anyone or anything. Thankfully, I haven't resorted to anything else which is a good sign.
It honestly feels like a big black cloud hanging over my head. I am dreading tomorrow and know that the mask will have to be put on again. I just don't know if I have the energy for it. Maybe it is time for a holiday.
What is my problem ? Why can't I let go and let God take control ?
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Emotional Tapestry
A tapestry of emotions
is weaving through my mind
a banner of colours
needing to unwind
The dark red of anger
leaves its path of hate
inter twinning with depression
not a pleasant personality trait
The blues of hurt and fear
silently seep into the rest
causing an emotional pattern
not really quite the best
The deeper silent colours
of guilt, shame and broken pride
appears in the art
while trying really to hide
Through the years of pain
the tapestry has grown
to an overwhelming complex picture
still not all of it is known
For the front of the quilt
is what we see
and what it shows
is not really me
Under the colours
you should know
is a little child
wanting to grow
One who really wants
to learn to trust again
and not hide behind a smile
and play - "Let's pretend"
But a girl who wants
to just be free
from all that plagues and binds
to just be me
One who can laugh
when laughter is near
one who can jump
and play without fear
The colours of my life
have woven my fate
without thoughts of the girl
trapped within the gate
From inside I cry"let her free"
but the tapestry is there
and the emotions won't let her be
Unwind; unwravel
unwind you art
you evil warden
from me depart
Leave the child
with in me to grow
for beauty once again
may she know.
is weaving through my mind
a banner of colours
needing to unwind
The dark red of anger
leaves its path of hate
inter twinning with depression
not a pleasant personality trait
The blues of hurt and fear
silently seep into the rest
causing an emotional pattern
not really quite the best
The deeper silent colours
of guilt, shame and broken pride
appears in the art
while trying really to hide
Through the years of pain
the tapestry has grown
to an overwhelming complex picture
still not all of it is known
For the front of the quilt
is what we see
and what it shows
is not really me
Under the colours
you should know
is a little child
wanting to grow
One who really wants
to learn to trust again
and not hide behind a smile
and play - "Let's pretend"
But a girl who wants
to just be free
from all that plagues and binds
to just be me
One who can laugh
when laughter is near
one who can jump
and play without fear
The colours of my life
have woven my fate
without thoughts of the girl
trapped within the gate
From inside I cry"let her free"
but the tapestry is there
and the emotions won't let her be
Unwind; unwravel
unwind you art
you evil warden
from me depart
Leave the child
with in me to grow
for beauty once again
may she know.
Saturday, 16 June 2007
Happy Father's Day
I'm having a particularly bad day today, for various reasons I think. Firstly, I had lots of nightmares last night which is never good - in my case this brings on lots of panic and self destruction. Secondly, tomorrow is father's day and as it happens also my dad's birthday. Unfortunately, I only have bad memories of his birthday. In his own sick twisted, warped and depraved mind he only ever wanted one thing for his birthday.
I have tried not to think about it or dwell on it but, sometimes it feels like there is no escape. The scars (both physical and emotional) are deep and won't fade easily. Days like this are the days when I don't see the changes in me, I only see the shame and the guilt. These are the days when I question the very existence of God. How could a loving God let these things happen ? What did I do to deserve this ? What did I do wrong ? - It must have been my fault.
I know logically, when my head is clear that it wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. But these feelings don't just go away ! I am damaged, broken, at times I feel beyond repair.
The craziest part about it is that I only ever wanted him to love me.
I have tried not to think about it or dwell on it but, sometimes it feels like there is no escape. The scars (both physical and emotional) are deep and won't fade easily. Days like this are the days when I don't see the changes in me, I only see the shame and the guilt. These are the days when I question the very existence of God. How could a loving God let these things happen ? What did I do to deserve this ? What did I do wrong ? - It must have been my fault.
I know logically, when my head is clear that it wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. But these feelings don't just go away ! I am damaged, broken, at times I feel beyond repair.
The craziest part about it is that I only ever wanted him to love me.
Thursday, 14 June 2007
RECOVER YOUR HAPPINESS
RECOVER YOUR HAPPINESS
A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.
F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.
K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.
M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.
N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.
P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.
R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.
S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.
V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.
W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can b e, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.
Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.
Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.
F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.
K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.
M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.
N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.
P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.
R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.
S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.
V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.
W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can b e, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.
Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.
Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Today
Today I am a little child looking for security, safety, protection and desperately in need of a parents love.
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
At times I feel afraid, that my weakness is stronger than my faith.
And all I can really say is 'Jesus Son of God have mercy'
And even if I fall as I have done so many times before.
You'll only pick me up and say mercy only mercy for you.
And in my poverty I can never claim to have won the victory, for it's Yours Lord, it's Yours alone
And all I can do is accept Your love for me.
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
At times I feel afraid, that my weakness is stronger than my faith.
And all I can really say is 'Jesus Son of God have mercy'
And even if I fall as I have done so many times before.
You'll only pick me up and say mercy only mercy for you.
And in my poverty I can never claim to have won the victory, for it's Yours Lord, it's Yours alone
And all I can do is accept Your love for me.
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
Sunday, 10 June 2007
How do you see yourself ?
It's an interesting question. How do you see yourself ? I am sure we can all find faults or things we would like to change or improve.
I am at a point where I am battling with this question. I would like to think that one day I will get married, have kids etc (the old biological clock is ticking lol). This idea for anyone who knows me is the total opposite of what I used to say.
It has been suggested that I make a list of what my dream man would be like and then pray about it, give the list to God. And believe me it's some list !!! The problem I have is how I see myself.
With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.
The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.
I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God
I am at a point where I am battling with this question. I would like to think that one day I will get married, have kids etc (the old biological clock is ticking lol). This idea for anyone who knows me is the total opposite of what I used to say.
It has been suggested that I make a list of what my dream man would be like and then pray about it, give the list to God. And believe me it's some list !!! The problem I have is how I see myself.
With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.
The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.
I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God
Saturday, 9 June 2007
Read this
I have been thinking a lot lately (never a good thing for me) but can I suggest you read Margo's blog for yesterday. It touched me and made me realise that sometimes it's OK to say things aren't right - that yes I am broken person. However, life is a journey and part of that journey is (God willing) the repair process.
Today I may not be whole, but I will be !!
Today I may not be whole, but I will be !!
Thursday, 7 June 2007
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
Ho hum
This little posting could possibly end up in stages and wandering all over the place.
Well, it's not that I have much to write about but it is one of those deep and meaningful questions. What am I doing with my life and where am I going ???
Answers on a postcard please (or in the comments box)
I just wonder what is in store for me. Am I destined to be single, is this really what I'm supposed to be doing with my life ?? But even if I could answer these questions it only leads to other even deeper such as why would anyone want to end up with me and how can I expect anyone to love me when I don't love myself. (now my head hurts)
Moving swiftly on......
I am currently sat in an office in Edinburgh supposedly working but instead I'm blogging and this is way more interesting. I'm here for 2 days and the best thing about it is that no one bothers me. The worst thing about it is is that I've been up since 4am it takes me about 4 hours to drive up here from Manchester then 2 days work and another at least 4 hrs home so by Friday I'm knackered.
And another thing ....
Monday, 4 June 2007
Sunday, 3 June 2007
How To Plant Your Garden...
First, you Come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses....
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING, PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another
NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another
TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
First, you Come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses....
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING, PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another
NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another
TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
Saturday, 2 June 2007
Installing Love
- Installing Love
- Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?
- Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?
- Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
- Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
- Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart? Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
- Tech Support: What programs are running?
- Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
- Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
- Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
- Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.
- Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
- Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades
- Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?
- Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
- Customer: So, what should I do?
- Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
- Customer: Okay, done.
- Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
- Customer: Got it... Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
- Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
- Customer: Thank you, God.
- God/Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime.
All through the day
Here are a few scripture I would like to share with anyone who might read this
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" Zephaniah 3:17
"I will give you a new heart and put a new Spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
I can only speak from my own experience. I know that I thought I had a heart of stone, a heart that was incapable of loving anyone. I know I am a long way off being perfect but, I see now that I can love and others can love me. That for me was the most amazing thing that somebody who didn't really know me could actually say they loved me and I know they really meant it. For many reasons I thought no one would ever be able to get close to me and if i'm honest would even want to get close to me. It's as if everything about me changed.
I have friends who over the course of the last 18 months or so have walked away, they won't talk to me they won't even acknowledge that I am in the same building as them. BUT God has blessed me, He has given me new friends, who accept me exactly as I am and are helping me along this journey. I don't know if this post is all meaningless, but I do know that I want to post it so that is all that matters. My heart is bursting will all sorts of things. I am amazed that I can wake up in a morning and not dread the day ahead. I now know that I have to face things and deal with them and not just continue to bury my feelings and emotions. I now have a future. I know that God loves me and that together with Him nothing is impossible
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
I feel so special all the time
Jesus is a friend of mine
I don't mind playing the clown
Smiling when others would frown
I don't take myself so seriously
Giving God's love to all I see
Jesus is living with me
He'll live with me for eternity.
So all through the day we're strong in love
Rejoicing there's life in our hearts
Not for the world , not for ourselves
No compromise we're for God
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" Zephaniah 3:17
"I will give you a new heart and put a new Spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
I can only speak from my own experience. I know that I thought I had a heart of stone, a heart that was incapable of loving anyone. I know I am a long way off being perfect but, I see now that I can love and others can love me. That for me was the most amazing thing that somebody who didn't really know me could actually say they loved me and I know they really meant it. For many reasons I thought no one would ever be able to get close to me and if i'm honest would even want to get close to me. It's as if everything about me changed.
I have friends who over the course of the last 18 months or so have walked away, they won't talk to me they won't even acknowledge that I am in the same building as them. BUT God has blessed me, He has given me new friends, who accept me exactly as I am and are helping me along this journey. I don't know if this post is all meaningless, but I do know that I want to post it so that is all that matters. My heart is bursting will all sorts of things. I am amazed that I can wake up in a morning and not dread the day ahead. I now know that I have to face things and deal with them and not just continue to bury my feelings and emotions. I now have a future. I know that God loves me and that together with Him nothing is impossible
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
I feel so special all the time
Jesus is a friend of mine
I don't mind playing the clown
Smiling when others would frown
I don't take myself so seriously
Giving God's love to all I see
Jesus is living with me
He'll live with me for eternity.
So all through the day we're strong in love
Rejoicing there's life in our hearts
Not for the world , not for ourselves
No compromise we're for God
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
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