Mirror, mirror

The fog starts to slowly drift away,
My thoughts turn from dark to a dull grey,
Heart has stopped its pounding, slowing down,
Feelings no longer engulf me, no need to drown,

Panic attacks they leave me helpless,
Must be stress, I can only try and guess,
At the reasons why, reasons I try and hide,
Feelings that something has gone, died deep inside,

Some days I’m happy, some are quite sad,
Most of the time I’m feeling I am mad,
Mirror reflection winks back at me,
She rubs her hands together with a certain glee,

She knows you see, what I don’t or can’t,
Her mouth slowly begins its chant,
“You are me and I am you,”
“There is really nothing you can do,”


She sees all I hate about me

When You Can't Go On

When You Feel You Can't Go On

(Please Hold On)

I'm sorry that you're hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are.

I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.

I ask though that you hold onto one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you're trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.

Difficult to imagine isn't it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body it seems cries out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.

And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty, broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.

Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can't banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.

Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.

Hold on because it's worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy.

Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.

Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.

Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.

Hold on because there is so much that you can't now imagine waiting ahead on your journey - a destiny that only you can fulfill.

Hold on although you're exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes, hold on even though.

Please hold on.

So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know... So many of us have cried in despair, why? why? why? and still the answers and the comfort failed to show. Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who've stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, torturous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.

And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you'll begin to feel its' warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward please.

Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there. When you're exhausted, when all you have to count on is a weakened, weary faith, hold on. When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it's not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.

Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.

Hold on.

Please hold on.

Shhhhhhhhhhhh

I am trying to look as though I am working as I'm sat here at my desk feeling very frustrated. My nemesis leaves tomorrow (hurrah !!!) But we have this uneasy feeling that she will be unable to leave without spitting her venom on us. I am dreading it.

I am feeling very agitated, almost on the verge of throwing up and I don't really understand why. Can this really be linked back to things that have happened previously, I don't know. I am trying to trust God with this and with everything else, I am clinging on to the fact that He loves me, and as always I am failing to hand anything over to Him - other than my favourite prayer at the moment of God help me.

I doubt I will ever get my head round the whole God thing, I have severe doubts about God's place in my heart, and about my ability to trust Him with everything. The nagging doubts, the negative comments are ringing loudly in my ears.

Time

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.


Time is a strange thing, it's supposed to be the great healer - as is God apparently !

But time is also a dangerous thing, time to think, dwell & ponder can be seriously damaging to your health. I find myself constantly trying to fill my time - I am trying to avoid thinking, but this isn't possible.
I have too many questions going round my head, questions that can never be answered, but I can't stop asking them.

And the time has come for me to ask myself what am I going to do about this?

Well, there was a time when I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Today I know that is not the answer. I just want to never be in fear, to not be scared of where, if and when I will be trapped by him again. He is there even when I sleep , he haunts my dreams.

God if you're listening help me out with this please.

I can't go on like this.

Battle

This week has been a battle, and while I'm not sure I'm winning the battle at least I am still here.

There are some things I am certain of : -

1) Trying to run away and hide from what is going on is not good for me (even though this is what I do best)

2) To cut myself is not the answer - even though it does bring some release

3) That avoiding talking about my emotions etc does not make them go away

4) I have some amazingly loving and caring friends (without these I wouldn't be here now)


There are some things I am not so certain of : -

1) That I'll ever be able to get over what has happened in my life

2) That God is and always has been with me

3) That I will ever learn to stop hating myself

4) That I won't feel this way again

WooooooooooooooHooooooooooooooo

SHE QUIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It had been another bad day, but at 5 O'clock as everyone was running out the door she handed a letter to my boss. She has given 1 months notice.

Now I should feel a huge sense of relief and I'm sure in time that will come, but right now I'm feeling a little bad about things.

I don't know

OK the title of the blog is that because i didn't know what else to call it that didn't contain expletives .

I've either done something really clever or I've been really stupid I don't know which. I spoke to my boss about the ongoing issue i am having at work at the moment and basically said to her that either it gets sorted out or i'm going elsewhere.

Why have i done this you might ask ?

Well here are my reasons, firstly I cannot go on the way I am. Secondly, for the first time in a while I am seriously considering cutting ( cos God knows i need the release) - it's really making me feel bad. And thirdly, i know my boss doesn't want me to go, but i need to force her hand a little or nothing will ever change and really i don't want to leave as i like my job and i think i'm quite good at it.

The bottom line here for me is that i'm sat here with all the negative thoughts about myself and the reality is i'm worth more than that. See how easy that was to say ?? If only i could convince myself.

Now I will bid you farewell while i go and use the shower and cry in peace.