A tapestry of emotions
is weaving through my mind
a banner of colours
needing to unwind
The dark red of anger
leaves its path of hate
inter twinning with depression
not a pleasant personality trait
The blues of hurt and fear
silently seep into the rest
causing an emotional pattern
not really quite the best
The deeper silent colours
of guilt, shame and broken pride
appears in the art
while trying really to hide
Through the years of pain
the tapestry has grown
to an overwhelming complex picture
still not all of it is known
For the front of the quilt
is what we see
and what it shows
is not really me
Under the colours
you should know
is a little child
wanting to grow
One who really wants
to learn to trust again
and not hide behind a smile
and play - "Let's pretend"
But a girl who wants
to just be free
from all that plagues and binds
to just be me
One who can laugh
when laughter is near
one who can jump
and play without fear
The colours of my life
have woven my fate
without thoughts of the girl
trapped within the gate
From inside I cry"let her free"
but the tapestry is there
and the emotions won't let her be
Unwind; unwravel
unwind you art
you evil warden
from me depart
Leave the child
with in me to grow
for beauty once again
may she know.
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Saturday, 16 June 2007
Happy Father's Day
I'm having a particularly bad day today, for various reasons I think. Firstly, I had lots of nightmares last night which is never good - in my case this brings on lots of panic and self destruction. Secondly, tomorrow is father's day and as it happens also my dad's birthday. Unfortunately, I only have bad memories of his birthday. In his own sick twisted, warped and depraved mind he only ever wanted one thing for his birthday.
I have tried not to think about it or dwell on it but, sometimes it feels like there is no escape. The scars (both physical and emotional) are deep and won't fade easily. Days like this are the days when I don't see the changes in me, I only see the shame and the guilt. These are the days when I question the very existence of God. How could a loving God let these things happen ? What did I do to deserve this ? What did I do wrong ? - It must have been my fault.
I know logically, when my head is clear that it wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. But these feelings don't just go away ! I am damaged, broken, at times I feel beyond repair.
The craziest part about it is that I only ever wanted him to love me.
I have tried not to think about it or dwell on it but, sometimes it feels like there is no escape. The scars (both physical and emotional) are deep and won't fade easily. Days like this are the days when I don't see the changes in me, I only see the shame and the guilt. These are the days when I question the very existence of God. How could a loving God let these things happen ? What did I do to deserve this ? What did I do wrong ? - It must have been my fault.
I know logically, when my head is clear that it wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. But these feelings don't just go away ! I am damaged, broken, at times I feel beyond repair.
The craziest part about it is that I only ever wanted him to love me.
Thursday, 14 June 2007
RECOVER YOUR HAPPINESS
RECOVER YOUR HAPPINESS
A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.
F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.
K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.
M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.
N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.
P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.
R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.
S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.
V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.
W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can b e, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.
Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.
Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.
F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.
K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.
M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.
N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.
P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.
R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.
S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.
V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.
W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can b e, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.
Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.
Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Today
Today I am a little child looking for security, safety, protection and desperately in need of a parents love.
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
At times I feel afraid, that my weakness is stronger than my faith.
And all I can really say is 'Jesus Son of God have mercy'
And even if I fall as I have done so many times before.
You'll only pick me up and say mercy only mercy for you.
And in my poverty I can never claim to have won the victory, for it's Yours Lord, it's Yours alone
And all I can do is accept Your love for me.
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
At times I feel afraid, that my weakness is stronger than my faith.
And all I can really say is 'Jesus Son of God have mercy'
And even if I fall as I have done so many times before.
You'll only pick me up and say mercy only mercy for you.
And in my poverty I can never claim to have won the victory, for it's Yours Lord, it's Yours alone
And all I can do is accept Your love for me.
In my weakness I am strong, for it is there
I can meet You face to face
And the grace can be so real, you can touch it
My love can be so pure
And You'll be the one who must be strong
Sunday, 10 June 2007
How do you see yourself ?
It's an interesting question. How do you see yourself ? I am sure we can all find faults or things we would like to change or improve.
I am at a point where I am battling with this question. I would like to think that one day I will get married, have kids etc (the old biological clock is ticking lol). This idea for anyone who knows me is the total opposite of what I used to say.
It has been suggested that I make a list of what my dream man would be like and then pray about it, give the list to God. And believe me it's some list !!! The problem I have is how I see myself.
With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.
The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.
I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God
I am at a point where I am battling with this question. I would like to think that one day I will get married, have kids etc (the old biological clock is ticking lol). This idea for anyone who knows me is the total opposite of what I used to say.
It has been suggested that I make a list of what my dream man would be like and then pray about it, give the list to God. And believe me it's some list !!! The problem I have is how I see myself.
With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.
The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.
I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God
Saturday, 9 June 2007
Read this
I have been thinking a lot lately (never a good thing for me) but can I suggest you read Margo's blog for yesterday. It touched me and made me realise that sometimes it's OK to say things aren't right - that yes I am broken person. However, life is a journey and part of that journey is (God willing) the repair process.
Today I may not be whole, but I will be !!
Today I may not be whole, but I will be !!
Thursday, 7 June 2007
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
Ho hum
This little posting could possibly end up in stages and wandering all over the place.
Well, it's not that I have much to write about but it is one of those deep and meaningful questions. What am I doing with my life and where am I going ???
Answers on a postcard please (or in the comments box)
I just wonder what is in store for me. Am I destined to be single, is this really what I'm supposed to be doing with my life ?? But even if I could answer these questions it only leads to other even deeper such as why would anyone want to end up with me and how can I expect anyone to love me when I don't love myself. (now my head hurts)
Moving swiftly on......
I am currently sat in an office in Edinburgh supposedly working but instead I'm blogging and this is way more interesting. I'm here for 2 days and the best thing about it is that no one bothers me. The worst thing about it is is that I've been up since 4am it takes me about 4 hours to drive up here from Manchester then 2 days work and another at least 4 hrs home so by Friday I'm knackered.
And another thing ....
Monday, 4 June 2007
Sunday, 3 June 2007
How To Plant Your Garden...
First, you Come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses....
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING, PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another
NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another
TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
First, you Come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses....
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING, PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness
PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another
NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another
TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends
WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
Saturday, 2 June 2007
Installing Love
- Installing Love
- Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?
- Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?
- Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
- Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
- Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart? Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
- Tech Support: What programs are running?
- Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
- Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
- Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
- Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.
- Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
- Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades
- Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?
- Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
- Customer: So, what should I do?
- Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
- Customer: Okay, done.
- Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
- Customer: Got it... Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
- Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
- Customer: Thank you, God.
- God/Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime.
All through the day
Here are a few scripture I would like to share with anyone who might read this
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" Zephaniah 3:17
"I will give you a new heart and put a new Spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
I can only speak from my own experience. I know that I thought I had a heart of stone, a heart that was incapable of loving anyone. I know I am a long way off being perfect but, I see now that I can love and others can love me. That for me was the most amazing thing that somebody who didn't really know me could actually say they loved me and I know they really meant it. For many reasons I thought no one would ever be able to get close to me and if i'm honest would even want to get close to me. It's as if everything about me changed.
I have friends who over the course of the last 18 months or so have walked away, they won't talk to me they won't even acknowledge that I am in the same building as them. BUT God has blessed me, He has given me new friends, who accept me exactly as I am and are helping me along this journey. I don't know if this post is all meaningless, but I do know that I want to post it so that is all that matters. My heart is bursting will all sorts of things. I am amazed that I can wake up in a morning and not dread the day ahead. I now know that I have to face things and deal with them and not just continue to bury my feelings and emotions. I now have a future. I know that God loves me and that together with Him nothing is impossible
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
I feel so special all the time
Jesus is a friend of mine
I don't mind playing the clown
Smiling when others would frown
I don't take myself so seriously
Giving God's love to all I see
Jesus is living with me
He'll live with me for eternity.
So all through the day we're strong in love
Rejoicing there's life in our hearts
Not for the world , not for ourselves
No compromise we're for God
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" Zephaniah 3:17
"I will give you a new heart and put a new Spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
I can only speak from my own experience. I know that I thought I had a heart of stone, a heart that was incapable of loving anyone. I know I am a long way off being perfect but, I see now that I can love and others can love me. That for me was the most amazing thing that somebody who didn't really know me could actually say they loved me and I know they really meant it. For many reasons I thought no one would ever be able to get close to me and if i'm honest would even want to get close to me. It's as if everything about me changed.
I have friends who over the course of the last 18 months or so have walked away, they won't talk to me they won't even acknowledge that I am in the same building as them. BUT God has blessed me, He has given me new friends, who accept me exactly as I am and are helping me along this journey. I don't know if this post is all meaningless, but I do know that I want to post it so that is all that matters. My heart is bursting will all sorts of things. I am amazed that I can wake up in a morning and not dread the day ahead. I now know that I have to face things and deal with them and not just continue to bury my feelings and emotions. I now have a future. I know that God loves me and that together with Him nothing is impossible
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
I feel so special all the time
Jesus is a friend of mine
I don't mind playing the clown
Smiling when others would frown
I don't take myself so seriously
Giving God's love to all I see
Jesus is living with me
He'll live with me for eternity.
So all through the day we're strong in love
Rejoicing there's life in our hearts
Not for the world , not for ourselves
No compromise we're for God
All through the day I feel alive
My live is given to Christ
Because He loves me
He loves me ...... It's true
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