It's an interesting question. How do you see yourself ? I am sure we can all find faults or things we would like to change or improve.
I am at a point where I am battling with this question. I would like to think that one day I will get married, have kids etc (the old biological clock is ticking lol). This idea for anyone who knows me is the total opposite of what I used to say.
It has been suggested that I make a list of what my dream man would be like and then pray about it, give the list to God. And believe me it's some list !!! The problem I have is how I see myself.
With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.
The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.
I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God
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hello Ann Marie.... randomly came to your blog today.... whilst reprimanding my children for flooding the bathroom and calming down...!
I feel overwhelmed with emotion as I sit and pray for you. One of the key scriptures the Lord gave me in relation to the same situation was:
Nahum 2 v 2: 2 The LORD will restore the splendor of Jacob
like the splendor of Israel,
though destroyers have laid them waste and have ruined their vines.
and your splendour is outlined in psalm 139 - where it shows that you were fearfully and wonderfully made by a God whose thoughts for you outweigh the number of grains of sand on the earth - so just think how much care he has placed into your design....
also if you move into Song of Songs.... the descriptions of the beloved - they apply to you. A woman who feels unclean becomes a majestic queen. He says that her face is lovely, that her body is beautiful...
and more importantly Ann Marie - you are a woman of integrity - which in itself is completely captivating.
When I first became a christian i used to walk down the road with my head hanging down unable to look up cos i had no self worth, felt dirty and all the emotions you are describing..... First thing is to know that the Lord is completely trustworthy and honourable and is the perfect man who will never hurt us in any way... and then to open ourselves to Him. He will clean you up little by little until you literally shine!
I am praying that you will be able to look in the mirror and say 'God made this - I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' That was the beginning of my healing....
Here for you anytime.... x
p.s. darling it takes such a long time because HE will only take us at the pace we can cope with, rather than tip us over the edge.... He knows what He's doing - just remain open to Him and He will get you there as quick as He can x x x
I don't know but I think God delights in taking broken people and making them whole ... like Ruth who lost *everything* and was given a husband who 'redeemed' her. I think her biological clock was ticking too. ;) It must take time. I wish it didn't. I want to be complete now but it doesn't seem to work that way.
I'm glad you can share things with some of us because we will pray for you and hopefully be able to encourage you as God intended his children to do for each other. :) xxx
PS Remember Abigail too who had a perfectly wretched husband. God bumped Nabel off and then Abigail married David who really loved her. :)
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