How can I move forwards if I’m constantly looking over my shoulder?
How can I speak if I think you’re always listening?
How can I reach forwards if I’m scared I’ll find your hand?
How can I cry without handing you power?
Where can I turn when you’re lurking in the shadows?
Where can I run with you weighing down my feet?
What can I write if you’re looking over my shoulder?
How can I live, with you in this world?
Struggling a bit tonight, I think it's because I am tired and not feelin 100%. The urge to cut is great and I'm sat here typing trying to keep myself occupied. I have tried various things to stop myself cutting such as an elastic band around my wrist, holding ice cubes in my hands, drawing with red pens and even shredding things. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I am failing miserably. It's my own fault too, this last few weeks I have been pushing myself at work and burying myself so as not to think about things. I have had a tough time recently with nightmares and things coming up in counselling, things that I never wanted to say out loud. Some feelings never seem to go away, no matter how much I know logically and rationally the feeling of shame haunts me.
And the big question is why do I cut myself ?? I can only answer that I need a release for the pain and the emotions I feel, and sometimes words are just not enough....
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Friday, 23 November 2007
Fear
Self Harm
Sometimes, I am afraid of myself.
Afraid of what I think.
Afraid of what I might do.
Of what I want to do.
I am told
"Do not be afraid of anything;
Nothing can hurt you now."
But does that include me?
It is the only way I can continue, survive.
No-one can hurt me now...
It is true.
No-one can hurt me,
Because I get there first.
I have done it again and I am filled with disgust and guilt for doing it.
Sometimes, I am afraid of myself.
Afraid of what I think.
Afraid of what I might do.
Of what I want to do.
I am told
"Do not be afraid of anything;
Nothing can hurt you now."
But does that include me?
It is the only way I can continue, survive.
No-one can hurt me now...
It is true.
No-one can hurt me,
Because I get there first.
I have done it again and I am filled with disgust and guilt for doing it.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
What Life Is This ?
What Life Is This?
What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
for something seems amiss,
as my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.
Down to the darkness I descend,
past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.
It all started with a flick of the wrist,
one immediate release.
Something I could not resist,
nor find the heart to cease-
For I found a way to exist.
But now the time seems to have come,
for me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
my high has met its low-
To the depths of despair, and I succumb.
This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within
This madness I do reveal
behind the ever-present grin
Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
and what’s part of me?
Behind this dark and gloom
lies the real me inside,
whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb
What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
for something seems amiss,
as my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.
Down to the darkness I descend,
past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.
It all started with a flick of the wrist,
one immediate release.
Something I could not resist,
nor find the heart to cease-
For I found a way to exist.
But now the time seems to have come,
for me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
my high has met its low-
To the depths of despair, and I succumb.
This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within
This madness I do reveal
behind the ever-present grin
Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
and what’s part of me?
Behind this dark and gloom
lies the real me inside,
whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Help
Hmmm what do you do when all you want to do is cry ? I have come to the conclusion that this is a lonely world we live in. As I write this I am sat in an office of 8 people and although we all get on and there is plenty of conversation I feel very alone.
Maybe this is life, I don't know. Perhaps it is a case of walk a mile in my shoes to see what is really going on with someone. I am holding it together, trying desperately hard not to let them see that I am panicking, that I don't know what to do, that really I am still stuck in that big black pit that I have been in for so long now.
Don't get me wrong this is not a total whinge. I have some great friends and they are trying so hard to understand where I am and what is going on with me. BUT and I apologise if any of you are reading this, I am tearing myself apart. Look to the future leave the past behind, well I wish it were that easy. I live with reminders, I avoid certain things because I know they will be a trigger for me. Believe me when I say there is no worse place to be than in a room full of people while having a flashback.
I know that a lot of my loneliness is of my own doing, but that is also my way of dealing with things to run away and hide. I feel overwhelmed unable to function as I should, battered and bruised, tired and emotional, worn out and broken.
Maybe this is life, I don't know. Perhaps it is a case of walk a mile in my shoes to see what is really going on with someone. I am holding it together, trying desperately hard not to let them see that I am panicking, that I don't know what to do, that really I am still stuck in that big black pit that I have been in for so long now.
Don't get me wrong this is not a total whinge. I have some great friends and they are trying so hard to understand where I am and what is going on with me. BUT and I apologise if any of you are reading this, I am tearing myself apart. Look to the future leave the past behind, well I wish it were that easy. I live with reminders, I avoid certain things because I know they will be a trigger for me. Believe me when I say there is no worse place to be than in a room full of people while having a flashback.
I know that a lot of my loneliness is of my own doing, but that is also my way of dealing with things to run away and hide. I feel overwhelmed unable to function as I should, battered and bruised, tired and emotional, worn out and broken.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Today
Just so you know you might not want to read this cos I'm not in a great place just now......
Dear Daddy,
You were always my hero, even when you were the monster in my nightmares. I always figured daddy knew best... nothing you could do would ever be wrong. It's now that I am a big girl and I think back on all the things you did to hurt me that I realize you were no hero. You hurt me Daddy, you caused me more pain than you may ever know or realize. I don't hate you Daddy, I still love you because to hurt me so bad, to hurt ANYONE so bad you must have a lot of anger and pain inside of you. It destroyed me once. I am not going to let the same hate and anger develop inside of me and destroy me again. I will never forgive you, but I don't hate you. I just need to know...
Daddy, I was so little, what did I do to deserve what you did to me? What did I do that was so wrong? You never told me so I could never fix it. If you had told me what I was doing wrong I could have stopped it. You wouldn't have had to hurt me over and over. Daddy, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I just wanted your love and your acceptance. I wanted to be your little girl. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to make you proud. Why Daddy? Why did you hurt me night after night? Why did you hurt me so bad? What did I do to make you so angry... to make you want to hurt me so deeply? Did you hate me? I want to know why DAMMIT! I hurt, I am filled with pain because of the things that you did to me. The things that you did, while I was supposed to be a happy little girl, I was filled with fear and self doubt... wonder and anger at myself. You made me think I was a terrible little girl. I need to know why. I am so sorry Daddy, I tried so hard, I swear I did. I did everything that I knew how to do, yet these things seemed to make you angrier with me. Was I so bad Daddy? I tried so hard to be good. Why Daddy? Why did you hate me and hurt me? I need to know... please tell me. I loved you.. I admired you. You were my hero, my knight in shining armor, my daddy. Why did you hurt me? Maybe you can help me understand, I am willing to try. So, tell me Daddy... WHY?
Your little girl,
Dear Daddy,
You were always my hero, even when you were the monster in my nightmares. I always figured daddy knew best... nothing you could do would ever be wrong. It's now that I am a big girl and I think back on all the things you did to hurt me that I realize you were no hero. You hurt me Daddy, you caused me more pain than you may ever know or realize. I don't hate you Daddy, I still love you because to hurt me so bad, to hurt ANYONE so bad you must have a lot of anger and pain inside of you. It destroyed me once. I am not going to let the same hate and anger develop inside of me and destroy me again. I will never forgive you, but I don't hate you. I just need to know...
Daddy, I was so little, what did I do to deserve what you did to me? What did I do that was so wrong? You never told me so I could never fix it. If you had told me what I was doing wrong I could have stopped it. You wouldn't have had to hurt me over and over. Daddy, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I just wanted your love and your acceptance. I wanted to be your little girl. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to make you proud. Why Daddy? Why did you hurt me night after night? Why did you hurt me so bad? What did I do to make you so angry... to make you want to hurt me so deeply? Did you hate me? I want to know why DAMMIT! I hurt, I am filled with pain because of the things that you did to me. The things that you did, while I was supposed to be a happy little girl, I was filled with fear and self doubt... wonder and anger at myself. You made me think I was a terrible little girl. I need to know why. I am so sorry Daddy, I tried so hard, I swear I did. I did everything that I knew how to do, yet these things seemed to make you angrier with me. Was I so bad Daddy? I tried so hard to be good. Why Daddy? Why did you hate me and hurt me? I need to know... please tell me. I loved you.. I admired you. You were my hero, my knight in shining armor, my daddy. Why did you hurt me? Maybe you can help me understand, I am willing to try. So, tell me Daddy... WHY?
Your little girl,
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