How

How can I move forwards if I’m constantly looking over my shoulder?
How can I speak if I think you’re always listening?
How can I reach forwards if I’m scared I’ll find your hand?
How can I cry without handing you power?
Where can I turn when you’re lurking in the shadows?
Where can I run with you weighing down my feet?
What can I write if you’re looking over my shoulder?
How can I live, with you in this world?

Struggling a bit tonight, I think it's because I am tired and not feelin 100%. The urge to cut is great and I'm sat here typing trying to keep myself occupied. I have tried various things to stop myself cutting such as an elastic band around my wrist, holding ice cubes in my hands, drawing with red pens and even shredding things. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I am failing miserably. It's my own fault too, this last few weeks I have been pushing myself at work and burying myself so as not to think about things. I have had a tough time recently with nightmares and things coming up in counselling, things that I never wanted to say out loud. Some feelings never seem to go away, no matter how much I know logically and rationally the feeling of shame haunts me.

And the big question is why do I cut myself ?? I can only answer that I need a release for the pain and the emotions I feel, and sometimes words are just not enough....

Fear

Self Harm

Sometimes, I am afraid of myself.
Afraid of what I think.

Afraid of what I might do.

Of what I want to do.

I am told

"Do not be afraid of anything;

Nothing can hurt you now."

But does that include me?

It is the only way I can continue, survive.
No-one can hurt me now...

It is true.

No-one can hurt me,
Because I get there first.


I have done it again and I am filled with disgust and guilt for doing it.

What Life Is This ?

What Life Is This?

What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
for something seems amiss,
as my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.

Down to the darkness I descend,
past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.

It all started with a flick of the wrist,
one immediate release.
Something I could not resist,
nor find the heart to cease-
For I found a way to exist.

But now the time seems to have come,
for me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
my high has met its low-
To the depths of despair, and I succumb.

This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within
This madness I do reveal
behind the ever-present grin

Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
and what’s part of me?

Behind this dark and gloom
lies the real me inside,
whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb

Help

Hmmm what do you do when all you want to do is cry ? I have come to the conclusion that this is a lonely world we live in. As I write this I am sat in an office of 8 people and although we all get on and there is plenty of conversation I feel very alone.

Maybe this is life, I don't know. Perhaps it is a case of walk a mile in my shoes to see what is really going on with someone. I am holding it together, trying desperately hard not to let them see that I am panicking, that I don't know what to do, that really I am still stuck in that big black pit that I have been in for so long now.

Don't get me wrong this is not a total whinge. I have some great friends and they are trying so hard to understand where I am and what is going on with me. BUT and I apologise if any of you are reading this, I am tearing myself apart. Look to the future leave the past behind, well I wish it were that easy. I live with reminders, I avoid certain things because I know they will be a trigger for me. Believe me when I say there is no worse place to be than in a room full of people while having a flashback.

I know that a lot of my loneliness is of my own doing, but that is also my way of dealing with things to run away and hide. I feel overwhelmed unable to function as I should, battered and bruised, tired and emotional, worn out and broken.

Today

Just so you know you might not want to read this cos I'm not in a great place just now......


Dear Daddy,

You were always my hero, even when you were the monster in my nightmares. I always figured daddy knew best... nothing you could do would ever be wrong. It's now that I am a big girl and I think back on all the things you did to hurt me that I realize you were no hero. You hurt me Daddy, you caused me more pain than you may ever know or realize. I don't hate you Daddy, I still love you because to hurt me so bad, to hurt ANYONE so bad you must have a lot of anger and pain inside of you. It destroyed me once. I am not going to let the same hate and anger develop inside of me and destroy me again. I will never forgive you, but I don't hate you. I just need to know...

Daddy, I was so little, what did I do to deserve what you did to me? What did I do that was so wrong? You never told me so I could never fix it. If you had told me what I was doing wrong I could have stopped it. You wouldn't have had to hurt me over and over. Daddy, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I just wanted your love and your acceptance. I wanted to be your little girl. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to make you proud. Why Daddy? Why did you hurt me night after night? Why did you hurt me so bad? What did I do to make you so angry... to make you want to hurt me so deeply? Did you hate me? I want to know why DAMMIT! I hurt, I am filled with pain because of the things that you did to me. The things that you did, while I was supposed to be a happy little girl, I was filled with fear and self doubt... wonder and anger at myself. You made me think I was a terrible little girl. I need to know why. I am so sorry Daddy, I tried so hard, I swear I did. I did everything that I knew how to do, yet these things seemed to make you angrier with me. Was I so bad Daddy? I tried so hard to be good. Why Daddy? Why did you hate me and hurt me? I need to know... please tell me. I loved you.. I admired you. You were my hero, my knight in shining armor, my daddy. Why did you hurt me? Maybe you can help me understand, I am willing to try. So, tell me Daddy... WHY?

Your little girl,

Mirror, mirror

The fog starts to slowly drift away,
My thoughts turn from dark to a dull grey,
Heart has stopped its pounding, slowing down,
Feelings no longer engulf me, no need to drown,

Panic attacks they leave me helpless,
Must be stress, I can only try and guess,
At the reasons why, reasons I try and hide,
Feelings that something has gone, died deep inside,

Some days I’m happy, some are quite sad,
Most of the time I’m feeling I am mad,
Mirror reflection winks back at me,
She rubs her hands together with a certain glee,

She knows you see, what I don’t or can’t,
Her mouth slowly begins its chant,
“You are me and I am you,”
“There is really nothing you can do,”


She sees all I hate about me

When You Can't Go On

When You Feel You Can't Go On

(Please Hold On)

I'm sorry that you're hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are.

I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.

I ask though that you hold onto one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you're trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.

Difficult to imagine isn't it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body it seems cries out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.

And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty, broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.

Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can't banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.

Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.

Hold on because it's worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy.

Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.

Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.

Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.

Hold on because there is so much that you can't now imagine waiting ahead on your journey - a destiny that only you can fulfill.

Hold on although you're exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes, hold on even though.

Please hold on.

So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know... So many of us have cried in despair, why? why? why? and still the answers and the comfort failed to show. Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who've stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, torturous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.

And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you'll begin to feel its' warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward please.

Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there. When you're exhausted, when all you have to count on is a weakened, weary faith, hold on. When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it's not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.

Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.

Hold on.

Please hold on.