Long time no blog

Well it's been a while since I blogged and going by my state of mind just at the moment I probably shouldn't blog now but I will anyway.

So what's been happening ? Well firstly I split up with Michael, it was all my doing and at the time I felt an instant relief but afterward I felt like a complete bitch. I had to do what was right for me and it wasn't being with him.

Recently things have been pretty crap at work and it looks like I will be starting over again with another company. I am still undecided if this is the way forward for me or should I be trying a new job or new direction - today I can't make that decision as my head is all over the place and some of the old fears and feelings are showing their ugly heads. Will they ever go away? I'm beginning to doubt it.

Christmas is just a matter of days away and I'm spending it with the family another brave if not stupid move on my part but only time will tell. Am I strong enough to spend time in dad's company ? again I'm not sure. At least by spending Christmas day with them I will get to see the kids which is good.

Introducing ......

Can I introduce you to my new little niece Ava, she was born on 10th October at 4.32 am weighing in at 6lb 13. I have to say she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen (if anyone dares to say I am biased I will slap them ;) )

It's been a while

Well my friends it's been over a month since my last post. I didn't realise it was so long until I looked at it today, so my apologies if you have been waiting for an update on the love life.





Ok this is the man in question and yes for those of you who have no idea what I look like this is me. Now, before I get comments telling me what a lovely couple we make - we don't and sometime this week I will be putting this man out of his misery (or should that be putting myself out of my misery !)

While he (Michael) is the perfect gentleman I have come to the conclusion that I need someone with a bit more life in them. I know that over the last 12 months I have come a long way on my healing journey and I am so pleased I have. But I have also found out enough about myself to know that I am not ready for a relationship just yet.

In other news my baby sister is due to give birth in about 2 weeks and I can't wait and in case I haven't already mentioned but I think I have my middle sister (Callums mum) is due after Christmas. I love babies.......



But I couldn't eat a whole one ;)

Random Thoughts

Doesn't time just fly by !!

Well since my last blog I've had a 3rd & 4th date and we arranged our next date so things are going well, although I am still wondering about his sanity - 4 dates and I still haven't scared him off.

Let me tell you a little about him, his name is Michael, he is a perfect gentleman, he even asked if it was ok to hold my hand. The other week he bought me a beautiful orchid and he said it was special but not as special as me - I nearly made a joke when he said that but thought better of it.

I have noticed that I have a big tendancy to laugh off any compliments he gives me and am now trying to work on accepting them gracefully.

Is it love ? I'm not sure but in the mean time I'm enjoying this new side of me.

Today

Today is my 34th birthday - Cake for all

That is all for today

P.S I have a 3rd date so maybe I'm not such a freak after all

So much news

Well, it's been a while and a lot has gone on. I have to say that for the first time in a very long time I can finally see some healing taking place.

Me the girl who swore blind that she would never date has been out on a date and even more surprising is the fact that I didn't scare him off, I didn't come across as totally screwed up and we are actually going to have a 2nd date this weekend.

Also I have further good news....

My uncle was diagnosed with throat cancer just before Christmas and last week he was given the all clear (Thanks God)

My middle sister is also pregnant so in the space of 3 months I'll have 2 new nieces or nephews to join the little angel known as Callum.

The question is how far have I come ?

Well if I answer honestly and without embarrassment I've come further than I ever imagined possible. The dark days still occur but no where near as often and I look at them in a different way now. It's taken a lot of hard work and many, many tears but at last I can see more clearly.

God really does know all, and even when you can't or don't want to turn to Him, He puts people in your path to help you along the way.

Exciting News !!!!!!!

Well if you didn't read my previous blog then I suggest you go back and read it now.......

Now for those good souls that did here is the good news. The promotion I said I wasn't that bothered about I got (YAY !!!!)

I have learnt from an early age never to expect anything and if things don't work out it's usually because of something I've done wrong along the way. Well I was called into my boss's office and my first thought was what have I done wrong now. How wrong I was, she called me in to tell me I got the job

WooooooooooooooooooooooooooHoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Apologies

Ok so I begin my blog with apologies to Arty......what can I say I am busy with work (I know a poor excuse) also trying to get sorted for my holidays and then trying to deal with my life in general.

I actually started posting about 2 or 3 weeks ago and never really got passed the first sentence. I was reading Morety's blog - the basic message was about letting go and letting God in (I suggest you read it http://moretysworld.blogspot.com/2008/04/letting-go.html) anyway as I was reading I realised that I was afraid to fully let go and let God in.

What am I afraid of ???

What have I got to lose ???

At this point I could give you a whole list of answers to these questions and I'm fairly sure a few of you would shoot me down in flames lol

Ultimately, what is holding me back from God ?

Easy to answer, no matter how much I say it to myself and many, many others have told me my heart says God couldn't possibly love me.

Anyway, enough of the God stuff, life is pretty crazy just now I go away on Friday for a week and I am busy trying to sort stuff out at work and I might possibly in line a promotion which would be great but if it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world.

Oh and the other great news is my baby sister is expecting her first baby in October and I will be an aunty again (YAY) and my little darling nephew will have a new play mate !!!

Take a look at Callum wearing my City hat lol

What's new ?

Well my dear friends,

I have been pondering for a few days now on whether to blog or not. I could post any number of things, but none of which would tell you anything about me or where I am at today. So welcome to my world if you don't like it or don't want to know then tough!!

At this moment in time I am back down the slippery slope of depression, back on the happy pills and am at a pretty low point. This is for a number of reasons, I have discovered over the last couple of months that I don't deal well with stress at work. While I have worked hard at maintaining my wonder woman image I have also allowed myself to be taken advantage of by my boss.

I have always thought it was a good thing to take responsibility, and while yes it is in some cases there are also extremes and I think I fall into this category. I have a nature that means I take everything as being my fault - I am a true perfectionist yet I feel like I am constantly failing.

If you are still following me so far you are doing well as I even confuse myself most of the time!

Anyway, I don't really know what else to say other than I am using my usual coping mechanism which is to hide away.

I hope so

I know a secret

I am so excited, I have just found out tonight that my baby sister is expecting her first baby in October and I can't wait!!!!

I love babies.......




But I couldn't eat a whole one

I am with you

God is faithful and true He is always with us, no matter how far away we feel. He has the most amazing unconditional love for each one of us. He knew us before we were formed He has counted every hair on our heads and we are His precious children !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am with you...

I am with you. Always.
No matter what your life looks like.
No matter what you are thinking.
No matter what is happening around you.

I am. I am with you. Always.

I made the decision to serve and love you. Always.

My hand is upon you, my child.
My hand will guide and lead you.
My hand will protect you.
My hand will strengthen you.
My hand will never leave you.

I have made the choice to help you.
I have made the choice to love you.
I have made the choice to be there.

For you.

So rest in Me. So rest in My presence.
So rest in the assurance that I do not leave you.
Rest, my child and find healing.
Rest and find life.
Rest and find Me.

I am. With you.

I love you.

Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit.

Panic

For those of you who maybe are reading my blog for the first time i do have a tendency to write poems about what's going on in my head . Some are better than others and some are a little dark, but that's just the way I am sometimes *shrugs*

PANIC

I'm tired.

I still feel like that eight year old girl who is looking for somewhere to feel safe, some one to take care of her.

I'm scared.

Every new experience fills me with panic and makes me sick at my stomach.

I'm trapped.

I want a place to go and hide, where I can just have peace.

I'm waiting.

For someone to make the bad man go away and spirit me away to a safe, warm place where there is love and nothing bad can happen anymore.

It feels like the floor will collapse under me, or the ceiling will fall down, of something really, really awful is going to happen.

My heart is racing. I'm panting. I feel like I need to run away from something, but what? An unnamed fear stalks me, ever present.

I want my daddy. I still want my daddy. But he's not there. He's sick, he's scary, and he’s not safe anymore.

Why do I still need him, still seek his approval and love? Why do I waste my efforts on something I'll never have?

If only I had safe place, for just awhile. Maybe, just maybe I could grow stronger.

But now I want to run away from daddy and to daddy. I want him to pick me up and hold me and tell me it's ok. I run back and forth, to him, away from him, to him, away from him. I pace like a cat cornered by a vicious dog.

Oh God, somebody hold me and make me feel safe.

I'm a woman now. I have to hold myself. I have to make myself safe. I can't. I don't know how. I never learned how.

Please tell me how to do it? Just hold my hand and tell me how to do it?

Emotional Tapestry

A tapestry of emotions
is weaving through my mind
a banner of colours
needing to unwind
The dark red of anger
leaves its path of hate
intertwining with depression
not a pleasant personality trait
The blues of hurt and fear
silently seep into the rest
causing an emotional pattern
not really quite the best
The deeper silent colours
of guilt, shame and broken pride
appears in the art
while trying really to hide
Through the years of pain
the tapestry has grown
to an overwhelming complex picture
still not all of it is known
For the front of the quilt
is what we see
and what it shows
is not really me
Under the colours
you should know
is a little child
wanting to grow
One who really wants
to learn to trust again
and not hide behind a smile
and play - "Let's pretend"
But a girl who wants
to just be free
from all that plagues and binds
to just be me
One who can laugh
and laughter is near
one who can jump
The colours of my life
have woven my fate
without thoughts of the girl
trapped within the gate
From inside I cry"let her free"
but the tapestry is there
and the emotions won't let her be
Unwind; unravel
unwind you art
you evil warden
from me depart
Leave the child
with in me to grow
for beauty once again
may she know.
and play without fear

Depression

Why such sadness?
I feel so lonely today.
Depression sets in,
and the tears creep softly from my eyes.
Why must I suffer like this?
Depression is taking the life from me.
Day by day, hour by hour,
my heart, mind, and body are consumed.
A suffocating black fog settles in,
no light to be seen anywhere.
Things I used to love to do are not
interesting anymore.
People whom I have always loved now
feel very distant.I feel lost.
I can see myself wandering around aimlessly,
with nowhere to go.
Somewhere within me lives a smile.
What has happened to that smile?
It is hidden behind silent torment, and nightmares,
and self-judgment.
I judge myself as I see myself,
and there is not much to see here.
The scared, abused, misunderstood little girl
from my nightmares...is a sad, faltering woman.
Me.

Oh

Today my world came crashing down around me

I failed today

Today one of the very things that kept me going was taken away from me for my own good (apparently)

Today I am broken

The Lord's Prayer

The Lord's Prayer


'OUR FATHER...' MATTHEW 6:9
Jesus taught His disciples to pray: 'After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father...' (Matthew 6:9 KJV). Don't miss this: the relationship you have with someone determines the level of comfort and confidence with which you approach them. So Jesus begins by emphasising: The person. 'Our Father...' Now, if you had an absentee father who was never there for you, or an abusive father who hurt you, or an emotionally unavailable father who never showed you much love or acceptance, then you need a new concept of God; a Scriptural one; otherwise your past will sabotage you. Before you can trust someone you have to know they really care about you. Once that happens you'll open up to them. Only then can your wounded areas be made whole. 'Our Father...' that puts an address on the envelope! You need to understand Who you're talking to, and the relationship you have with Him. You approach God on the basis of who you are to Him, and Whom He is to you. Your Heavenly Father is a covenant making, covenant keeping God. When two people in Bible days made a covenant it wasn't a casual 'call me sometime' with no commitment. No, they sealed it with blood, meaning, 'I'll give my life for you if necessary.' You can actually call God 'Papa' without a trace of irreverence: 'This resurrection life you received from God is...adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"...We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children' (Romans 8:15-16 TM). So, to pray the Lord's Prayer effectively we must recognise and rejoice in who He is to us - 'Our Father...'

fa‧ther [fah-ther] –noun

a male parent

a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider.

Doesn't it sound perfect, yet father / dad / daddy all nearly impossible to say without being overwhelmed with pain. How difficult it is to see God as a loving father when the image I have is so distorted. This last few days I have been drowning in grief, I feel the old bitterness coming back.

I sit here and cry over what happened to me, I have had my childhood, my innocence robbed from me by someone who should have protected me. I have spent the majority of my life in fear of 'the next time' knowing there would always be a next time. And now having escaped the madness, the abuse and my own slow death, I am still sat here in fear, an emotional wreck who today is struggling to hold it all together.

I am supposed to be looking to the future, not dwelling on the past. But today I feel too wiped out to even think about tomorrow, right now this minute I am just aiming for each hour. Today I am a little child looking for security, safety, protection and desperately in need of a parents love.

Love ?

It's a constant battle, I try to be strong and courageous, but I am weak and afraid. Today in my distress I cry out to You God come and rescue me. I can't do this without You. I am broken and damaged, ashamed and fearful, dirty and unlovable. Today I cling onto what little hope I have, I am battling against old habits more than ever before. The urge to cut is so strong, I deserve to hurt, I deserve to be in pain be it physical or emotional. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to hide and escape, but it is always there with me. I'm sorry, if you think I am avoiding you then you are correct, I know you care and want to help but I don't deserve to be loved.

With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.

The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.

I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God.

Come

You are ugly!
You are worth nothing!
You are not good enough!

You feel it deep inside
The pain that never goes away
You know you are not good enough
The loneliness that aches
You are too unattractive
The desperation is always there
You are simply a burden

People laugh behind your back
Constantly disapproving of you
No matter how hard you try
You are not good enough
You have never been good enough
You never will be good enough
Even if someone compliments you
You know it’s a mistake
You don’t believe it
They certainly can’t mean it anyway
They probably just feel sorry for you
Knowing you’re a problem case
You are so weird
You don’t fit the norm
You don’t belong

You keep comparing yourself
To the way they dress
How gorgeously slim they are
How beautifully their hair shines
How fit and muscular they are
How spontaneous and funny they are
But you
You are just not like that
You certainly cannot do that and
You know that you absolutely cannot have that either
You were born to be the bridesmaid
And will never be a bride
It was just not meant for you to be like them
What is more you believe all this to true?
Don’t you?

But
YOU
Yes you
I’m talking to you
You are actually wrong about all this
You see you were actually made perfect
By the almighty God Himself
Yes! That’s right
The Maker of heaven and earth
You were appointed by Him to be His child
So you are a child of the King of Kings
The eternal everlasting Lord of Lords
And you are His child forever
Yes fooooreeeeveeeer!
You are not just a girl in the crowd
You are not forgotten in the multitude
God chooses YOU
You!
He speaks His words over you
He whispers His name over you
His smile is just for you
Making an unfading imprint on your being
His loving words to you are heavy in the sky

But!
No!
You cringe
Compared to so much beauty around you
He must be wrong
He hasn’t looked carefully enough
He does not know who you really are
How deep the ugliness goes
Why you?
Why does that voice call your name?
Why not someone else?
Someone you look up to
He could do so much more with them
Use me?
What are you talking about, God?
Me?
You’ve made a big mistake
Seriously
Think about it

No I won’t think about it!
Who is likely to be right about this?
The creator of the universe or you?
I want you
I choose you
You are the one I have chosen
to pour out all my love upon
I have known my plans and feelings for you
For as long as I can remember(and that is a long time I can tell you)
Since I first thought of the earth
And all that is in it
Before I made anything or even quieted the heavens
In my thoughts I saw you standing before Me
A smile on My lips
And oh the desire in My heart
The longing for the day
That you would become reality
That you would be born
To live on My earth
So that I could look at you
every day of your life with joy
Oh that day was a wonder
What a celebration we had here
I summoned the angels
And pointed to you
There!
There is My child
Finally after all these years
Look how beautiful
Look how exquisite
So intricately designed
From the complexity of my image

Then we watched as you began to grow
We heard your first laugh
Saw you take your first steps as you learned to walk
You tried to talk and I was thrilled
I watched you all day
I was so delighted
And today
I still delight
I still look down at you with joy
Oh My child if only you could see
What I have put in you!
If only you were able to comprehend
How much I have in store for you
Then you would delight as I do
Then you would look at your life
and your self so differently
I have tried to explain it fully in My book
So you could read it day and night
So you could always hold on to it
But you are too afraid to believe
You are too afraid to hold on
Because your self image is
Distorted
Crushed
Veiled
Destroyed
You have read about yourself in the Bible
But you think you aren’t good enough
You think you have to change first
Only then will I accept you
Only then will I embrace you

Allow me
Oh My child
ALLOW Me
To smooth away the shattered edges
To wipe away the spider webs and tears
To reveal the truth
To heal you
To restore you again
Into the image I had of you
When I first thought of you aeons ago
I see that person in you still
You are how I made you

But there is so much baggage
Piled up on your back
So many lies
Destroying words
Dishonouring actions
False hopes
Bitter wounds
Have pounded into your soul
Under this heavy burden you cannot
Look into My mirror
Because you think you are dirty and that
Your failures
Your bruises
Your doubts
Your memories
Your pain
Your unforgiveness
Have turned Me away from you

But my child
This is why I gave my Son
He was wounded for your transgressions
Bruised for your iniquities
Despised on the cross
He was rejected so He could take away your rejection
In your place He was deserted
so you don’t have to feel that way
Even by Me
Yes, even by ME
I turned My head away from Him
I could not look at Him
It was revolting to my eyes
How much it hurt for Me to reject My son
But how much was accomplished
And of such value to mankind
those long dark hours were!

Because now the way is free between you and My throne
The door is open and all the obstacles are gone

So are you coming?
I am inviting you to my throne right now
Draw close to Me
Come My child
I long for you
And I know you long for it to
There is NOTHING that can stand between us
Believe me
I do not lie you know
This is the whole truth
I love YOU!
Come
COME
Let me embrace you
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Draw a smile on your lips
Allow me
ALLOW ME

My heart beats for you
I think you are so beautiful
So utterly beautiful
So incredibly wonderful
So perfect
Come!

Broken

A smile that hides a world of pain,
Behind those eyes there's fear.
Skin that was once clean and pure,
Now the dirt won't clear.

Invisible to their innocent eyes,
Wounds that will not heal.
Destroyed in the worst possible way,
the pain does not seem real.

His voice created the fear in her eyes,
His touch caused the dirt.
Memories caused those painful wounds,
Unseen, but they hurt.

Inside her there are shards of glass,
Thoughts remain unspoken.
Those memories will never rest,
Now inside she's broken