Panic

For those of you who maybe are reading my blog for the first time i do have a tendency to write poems about what's going on in my head . Some are better than others and some are a little dark, but that's just the way I am sometimes *shrugs*

PANIC

I'm tired.

I still feel like that eight year old girl who is looking for somewhere to feel safe, some one to take care of her.

I'm scared.

Every new experience fills me with panic and makes me sick at my stomach.

I'm trapped.

I want a place to go and hide, where I can just have peace.

I'm waiting.

For someone to make the bad man go away and spirit me away to a safe, warm place where there is love and nothing bad can happen anymore.

It feels like the floor will collapse under me, or the ceiling will fall down, of something really, really awful is going to happen.

My heart is racing. I'm panting. I feel like I need to run away from something, but what? An unnamed fear stalks me, ever present.

I want my daddy. I still want my daddy. But he's not there. He's sick, he's scary, and he’s not safe anymore.

Why do I still need him, still seek his approval and love? Why do I waste my efforts on something I'll never have?

If only I had safe place, for just awhile. Maybe, just maybe I could grow stronger.

But now I want to run away from daddy and to daddy. I want him to pick me up and hold me and tell me it's ok. I run back and forth, to him, away from him, to him, away from him. I pace like a cat cornered by a vicious dog.

Oh God, somebody hold me and make me feel safe.

I'm a woman now. I have to hold myself. I have to make myself safe. I can't. I don't know how. I never learned how.

Please tell me how to do it? Just hold my hand and tell me how to do it?