Where am I up to ?
A question to start my blog today, I have been doing sort of OK plodding along in my own little world, but this last week I have noticed some old urges creeping back in.
I haven't self harmed since May which for me is a seriously long time, but this week it has been a huge battle not to go back to it. For several reasons I think. Firstly as I said at the beginning I've been in my own little world, which for me means avoiding feeling things, hiding from what is really going on - which is never good in my case. Secondly, I have been challenged to get rid of my blades, at the moment I have kept them as a sort of security - a just in case.
I'm confused, frustrated and incapable of actually saying why. I am trying so hard not to dwell on the past and the negative thoughts, but today especially the shame and the self hatred has been overwhelming. In the past my first instinct would be to cut. And right now that would be so much easier than actually dealing with stuff. I know it is hard for people to understand why I would want to hurt myself in that way but when there is no way of releasing the emotions this allows me to feel the pain and cry out.
OK so now anyone reading this officially knows I'm a total freak. But hey you knew that anyway!!! I'm just struggling today and please God tomorrow will be different. I just have to keep firmly focused on God and His amazing love for me.
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About Me
- Ann Marie
- Very slowly learning to live life. Some days are better than others. But I have some great friends who I've met along the way. I tend to bury myself in work as a great way to escape the reality that is my life
3 comments:
You don't sound like a freak. You sound like you need a hug.
((((hugs))))
hi Ann Marie for some time now i have been reading your blog and i think today is the day i come out of the closet and be open about the fact i am sharing this journey with you...
my method of self harming is different to yours, but still destructive and offers me a temporary release...
it truly takes time to surrender it all to God...the hurt, the pain, the guilt and the shame... not sure if you are like me but i have had to surrender many times and on a regular basis!!! as each new level God takes me too often throws up something else...
My abuser was not my dad but it was a very close family member and also an attempt by an uncle and a neighbour... for a long time i wondered what was wrong with me...some days i still do...
for a long time i did not understand what love was...because it was always conditional... some times that is still the case in that my family only care if i am doing something for them or agreeing with them...
i used to build walls to protect myself but quite often those same walls keep me locked in... some days i feel ive totally knocked them down for good and someone will get close and i dont know how to handle that...
regarding feeling a freak ive felt that way many a time...for me it came from everything being tainted... ie ppl only showed me love or affection when they wanted something... im learning now that was conditional love...thats why it did not feel right...so you are not a freak...you are having a totally natural response to a life experience...
know that folks are praying for you and the it is Gods desire to see us all whole and released from the pain...
some days lately have been extremely tough... but on days like today we can sit and say " i may not be where i want/need to be but i aint where i used to be!"
I truly believe Gods got a lovely man out there for you...a king only gives his kid the best...he will also find one who can put up with your loopy song lyrics also lol rotflol
Praying for you Ann Marie... much love Dee aka ReJoySing
I agree with Nossie. You don't sound like a freak at all. I'm relatively positive that I'm a freak in the mornings when someone tries to wake me up before I want to get up. That's always an interesting scene...
I'm SO proud of you for not self-harming yourself since May! That's quite a feat and you are to be congratulated.
As for your current struggles, I continue to pray for you, for strength in faith, strength in assurance and strength in character to continue fighting the good fight.
And never forget, Ann-Marie, that God isn't the only one who loves you. There are many others, like myself, who love you simply for being you, all the fabulous flaws included.
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