Exciting News !!!!!!!

Well if you didn't read my previous blog then I suggest you go back and read it now.......

Now for those good souls that did here is the good news. The promotion I said I wasn't that bothered about I got (YAY !!!!)

I have learnt from an early age never to expect anything and if things don't work out it's usually because of something I've done wrong along the way. Well I was called into my boss's office and my first thought was what have I done wrong now. How wrong I was, she called me in to tell me I got the job

WooooooooooooooooooooooooooHoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Apologies

Ok so I begin my blog with apologies to Arty......what can I say I am busy with work (I know a poor excuse) also trying to get sorted for my holidays and then trying to deal with my life in general.

I actually started posting about 2 or 3 weeks ago and never really got passed the first sentence. I was reading Morety's blog - the basic message was about letting go and letting God in (I suggest you read it http://moretysworld.blogspot.com/2008/04/letting-go.html) anyway as I was reading I realised that I was afraid to fully let go and let God in.

What am I afraid of ???

What have I got to lose ???

At this point I could give you a whole list of answers to these questions and I'm fairly sure a few of you would shoot me down in flames lol

Ultimately, what is holding me back from God ?

Easy to answer, no matter how much I say it to myself and many, many others have told me my heart says God couldn't possibly love me.

Anyway, enough of the God stuff, life is pretty crazy just now I go away on Friday for a week and I am busy trying to sort stuff out at work and I might possibly in line a promotion which would be great but if it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world.

Oh and the other great news is my baby sister is expecting her first baby in October and I will be an aunty again (YAY) and my little darling nephew will have a new play mate !!!

Take a look at Callum wearing my City hat lol

What's new ?

Well my dear friends,

I have been pondering for a few days now on whether to blog or not. I could post any number of things, but none of which would tell you anything about me or where I am at today. So welcome to my world if you don't like it or don't want to know then tough!!

At this moment in time I am back down the slippery slope of depression, back on the happy pills and am at a pretty low point. This is for a number of reasons, I have discovered over the last couple of months that I don't deal well with stress at work. While I have worked hard at maintaining my wonder woman image I have also allowed myself to be taken advantage of by my boss.

I have always thought it was a good thing to take responsibility, and while yes it is in some cases there are also extremes and I think I fall into this category. I have a nature that means I take everything as being my fault - I am a true perfectionist yet I feel like I am constantly failing.

If you are still following me so far you are doing well as I even confuse myself most of the time!

Anyway, I don't really know what else to say other than I am using my usual coping mechanism which is to hide away.

I hope so

I know a secret

I am so excited, I have just found out tonight that my baby sister is expecting her first baby in October and I can't wait!!!!

I love babies.......




But I couldn't eat a whole one

I am with you

God is faithful and true He is always with us, no matter how far away we feel. He has the most amazing unconditional love for each one of us. He knew us before we were formed He has counted every hair on our heads and we are His precious children !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am with you...

I am with you. Always.
No matter what your life looks like.
No matter what you are thinking.
No matter what is happening around you.

I am. I am with you. Always.

I made the decision to serve and love you. Always.

My hand is upon you, my child.
My hand will guide and lead you.
My hand will protect you.
My hand will strengthen you.
My hand will never leave you.

I have made the choice to help you.
I have made the choice to love you.
I have made the choice to be there.

For you.

So rest in Me. So rest in My presence.
So rest in the assurance that I do not leave you.
Rest, my child and find healing.
Rest and find life.
Rest and find Me.

I am. With you.

I love you.

Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit.

Panic

For those of you who maybe are reading my blog for the first time i do have a tendency to write poems about what's going on in my head . Some are better than others and some are a little dark, but that's just the way I am sometimes *shrugs*

PANIC

I'm tired.

I still feel like that eight year old girl who is looking for somewhere to feel safe, some one to take care of her.

I'm scared.

Every new experience fills me with panic and makes me sick at my stomach.

I'm trapped.

I want a place to go and hide, where I can just have peace.

I'm waiting.

For someone to make the bad man go away and spirit me away to a safe, warm place where there is love and nothing bad can happen anymore.

It feels like the floor will collapse under me, or the ceiling will fall down, of something really, really awful is going to happen.

My heart is racing. I'm panting. I feel like I need to run away from something, but what? An unnamed fear stalks me, ever present.

I want my daddy. I still want my daddy. But he's not there. He's sick, he's scary, and he’s not safe anymore.

Why do I still need him, still seek his approval and love? Why do I waste my efforts on something I'll never have?

If only I had safe place, for just awhile. Maybe, just maybe I could grow stronger.

But now I want to run away from daddy and to daddy. I want him to pick me up and hold me and tell me it's ok. I run back and forth, to him, away from him, to him, away from him. I pace like a cat cornered by a vicious dog.

Oh God, somebody hold me and make me feel safe.

I'm a woman now. I have to hold myself. I have to make myself safe. I can't. I don't know how. I never learned how.

Please tell me how to do it? Just hold my hand and tell me how to do it?