What's new ?

Well my dear friends,

I have been pondering for a few days now on whether to blog or not. I could post any number of things, but none of which would tell you anything about me or where I am at today. So welcome to my world if you don't like it or don't want to know then tough!!

At this moment in time I am back down the slippery slope of depression, back on the happy pills and am at a pretty low point. This is for a number of reasons, I have discovered over the last couple of months that I don't deal well with stress at work. While I have worked hard at maintaining my wonder woman image I have also allowed myself to be taken advantage of by my boss.

I have always thought it was a good thing to take responsibility, and while yes it is in some cases there are also extremes and I think I fall into this category. I have a nature that means I take everything as being my fault - I am a true perfectionist yet I feel like I am constantly failing.

If you are still following me so far you are doing well as I even confuse myself most of the time!

Anyway, I don't really know what else to say other than I am using my usual coping mechanism which is to hide away.

I hope so

I know a secret

I am so excited, I have just found out tonight that my baby sister is expecting her first baby in October and I can't wait!!!!

I love babies.......




But I couldn't eat a whole one

I am with you

God is faithful and true He is always with us, no matter how far away we feel. He has the most amazing unconditional love for each one of us. He knew us before we were formed He has counted every hair on our heads and we are His precious children !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am with you...

I am with you. Always.
No matter what your life looks like.
No matter what you are thinking.
No matter what is happening around you.

I am. I am with you. Always.

I made the decision to serve and love you. Always.

My hand is upon you, my child.
My hand will guide and lead you.
My hand will protect you.
My hand will strengthen you.
My hand will never leave you.

I have made the choice to help you.
I have made the choice to love you.
I have made the choice to be there.

For you.

So rest in Me. So rest in My presence.
So rest in the assurance that I do not leave you.
Rest, my child and find healing.
Rest and find life.
Rest and find Me.

I am. With you.

I love you.

Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit.

Panic

For those of you who maybe are reading my blog for the first time i do have a tendency to write poems about what's going on in my head . Some are better than others and some are a little dark, but that's just the way I am sometimes *shrugs*

PANIC

I'm tired.

I still feel like that eight year old girl who is looking for somewhere to feel safe, some one to take care of her.

I'm scared.

Every new experience fills me with panic and makes me sick at my stomach.

I'm trapped.

I want a place to go and hide, where I can just have peace.

I'm waiting.

For someone to make the bad man go away and spirit me away to a safe, warm place where there is love and nothing bad can happen anymore.

It feels like the floor will collapse under me, or the ceiling will fall down, of something really, really awful is going to happen.

My heart is racing. I'm panting. I feel like I need to run away from something, but what? An unnamed fear stalks me, ever present.

I want my daddy. I still want my daddy. But he's not there. He's sick, he's scary, and he’s not safe anymore.

Why do I still need him, still seek his approval and love? Why do I waste my efforts on something I'll never have?

If only I had safe place, for just awhile. Maybe, just maybe I could grow stronger.

But now I want to run away from daddy and to daddy. I want him to pick me up and hold me and tell me it's ok. I run back and forth, to him, away from him, to him, away from him. I pace like a cat cornered by a vicious dog.

Oh God, somebody hold me and make me feel safe.

I'm a woman now. I have to hold myself. I have to make myself safe. I can't. I don't know how. I never learned how.

Please tell me how to do it? Just hold my hand and tell me how to do it?

Emotional Tapestry

A tapestry of emotions
is weaving through my mind
a banner of colours
needing to unwind
The dark red of anger
leaves its path of hate
intertwining with depression
not a pleasant personality trait
The blues of hurt and fear
silently seep into the rest
causing an emotional pattern
not really quite the best
The deeper silent colours
of guilt, shame and broken pride
appears in the art
while trying really to hide
Through the years of pain
the tapestry has grown
to an overwhelming complex picture
still not all of it is known
For the front of the quilt
is what we see
and what it shows
is not really me
Under the colours
you should know
is a little child
wanting to grow
One who really wants
to learn to trust again
and not hide behind a smile
and play - "Let's pretend"
But a girl who wants
to just be free
from all that plagues and binds
to just be me
One who can laugh
and laughter is near
one who can jump
The colours of my life
have woven my fate
without thoughts of the girl
trapped within the gate
From inside I cry"let her free"
but the tapestry is there
and the emotions won't let her be
Unwind; unravel
unwind you art
you evil warden
from me depart
Leave the child
with in me to grow
for beauty once again
may she know.
and play without fear

Depression

Why such sadness?
I feel so lonely today.
Depression sets in,
and the tears creep softly from my eyes.
Why must I suffer like this?
Depression is taking the life from me.
Day by day, hour by hour,
my heart, mind, and body are consumed.
A suffocating black fog settles in,
no light to be seen anywhere.
Things I used to love to do are not
interesting anymore.
People whom I have always loved now
feel very distant.I feel lost.
I can see myself wandering around aimlessly,
with nowhere to go.
Somewhere within me lives a smile.
What has happened to that smile?
It is hidden behind silent torment, and nightmares,
and self-judgment.
I judge myself as I see myself,
and there is not much to see here.
The scared, abused, misunderstood little girl
from my nightmares...is a sad, faltering woman.
Me.