Today

I love You, Lord, for many things,
that words cannot describe...
Your steady hand upon my life,Your presence by my side.
I love Your Spirit and Your Truth
and all Your ways so pure...
I love the wisdom that You give
that helps my faith mature.
I love the way You speak to me
in fellowship each day...
the way Your Spirit fills my heart,
when I begin to pray.
I love Your guidance on my path
that keeps my footing sure...
I love ALL things, about you,
Lord,in You, I am secure.

Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how I praise you! Psalm 63:3

This is a new beginning, the old has gone the new has come. Today I have hope, today there is no fear or despair. Why ? Because I know I am not alone.

Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. James 4:8

May God hold you in the palm of His hand and Angels watch over you.

But for those of us who are already His, He not only holds us in the palm of His hand, but has engraved our names there, and we are continually in His sight (Isaiah 49:16)

Yes, I do love God. He is the source of my existence and Saviour.

He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without him, I am nothing but with Him "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." Phil 4:13

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday

I have nothing special planned but I have decided today that I am going to thank God for my birthday lol . I know that might sound a little crazy. But not that long ago I didn't care if I even saw the next day never mind the next year.

I have hope today, I know that I am safe, I know and trust that God is in control. I am blessed with some amazing friends who have dragged me out of my despair. Who have helped me laugh and have let me cry when I needed too.

I'm not going to name names here, but I thank God for you all everyday. People don't always understand why we spend so much time on the net but for me it has been a lifesaver. It has introduced me to people who don't judge me, who have accepted me as I am.

So today I am getting ready to celebrate the fact that I am here to have another birthday, celebrate the fact that I have awesome friends and just in case I don't say it thanks & I love ya all loads.

This is me

Hello, I must warn you before reading this that it isn't pleasant reading. However, for me at times it is the only way I have of expressing my nightmares and stuff. So I suggest if you don't want to know go away now.


Sat here reminiscing
Memories of my childhood
The worse one of all
As I hit the floor with a thud
The night you took advantage
My life has never been the same
A little innocent girl aged eight
Feeling so much bloody pain
The first night you turned on me
When you pushed me onto my bed
I try so hard to drown it out
But it keeps replaying in my head
One hand firmly on my mouth
The other running down my skin
Tears falling from my eyes
Feeling you deep within
Trying to push you off
But you held me down with force
Looking at you through innocent eyes
Do you feel any remorse?
You didn't stop after that once
It happened too many times more
I learnt to shut off from it
& wait till you left me there on the floor
Every time you walked out the room
I would break down & cry
Although I didn't really understand
For 22 years I've kept all this inside
It eats away at me
Every single day of my life
How could you do that to me
A little innocent girl aged only eight....

What's going on ?

Where am I up to ?
A question to start my blog today, I have been doing sort of OK plodding along in my own little world, but this last week I have noticed some old urges creeping back in.

I haven't self harmed since May which for me is a seriously long time, but this week it has been a huge battle not to go back to it. For several reasons I think. Firstly as I said at the beginning I've been in my own little world, which for me means avoiding feeling things, hiding from what is really going on - which is never good in my case. Secondly, I have been challenged to get rid of my blades, at the moment I have kept them as a sort of security - a just in case.

I'm confused, frustrated and incapable of actually saying why. I am trying so hard not to dwell on the past and the negative thoughts, but today especially the shame and the self hatred has been overwhelming. In the past my first instinct would be to cut. And right now that would be so much easier than actually dealing with stuff. I know it is hard for people to understand why I would want to hurt myself in that way but when there is no way of releasing the emotions this allows me to feel the pain and cry out.

OK so now anyone reading this officially knows I'm a total freak. But hey you knew that anyway!!! I'm just struggling today and please God tomorrow will be different. I just have to keep firmly focused on God and His amazing love for me.

Is it the weather ??

Not really sure what's going on at the minute. Life is crazy at work, I am so busy and some days I barely move from my desk. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining, busy is good less time to think and dwell on things.

For whatever reason though this weekend has been really tough. It's been a constant battle to stay positive and a lot of the time I've failed. I hate being a blubbering emotional wreck. And again I see old patterns emerging. A classic sign that things aren't right is that I automatically go into hiding, I can't face anyone or anything. Thankfully, I haven't resorted to anything else which is a good sign.

It honestly feels like a big black cloud hanging over my head. I am dreading tomorrow and know that the mask will have to be put on again. I just don't know if I have the energy for it. Maybe it is time for a holiday.

What is my problem ? Why can't I let go and let God take control ?

Emotional Tapestry

A tapestry of emotions
is weaving through my mind
a banner of colours
needing to unwind
The dark red of anger
leaves its path of hate
inter twinning with depression
not a pleasant personality trait
The blues of hurt and fear
silently seep into the rest
causing an emotional pattern
not really quite the best
The deeper silent colours
of guilt, shame and broken pride
appears in the art
while trying really to hide
Through the years of pain
the tapestry has grown
to an overwhelming complex picture
still not all of it is known
For the front of the quilt
is what we see
and what it shows
is not really me
Under the colours
you should know
is a little child
wanting to grow
One who really wants
to learn to trust again
and not hide behind a smile
and play - "Let's pretend"
But a girl who wants
to just be free
from all that plagues and binds
to just be me
One who can laugh
when laughter is near
one who can jump
and play without fear
The colours of my life
have woven my fate
without thoughts of the girl
trapped within the gate
From inside I cry"let her free"
but the tapestry is there
and the emotions won't let her be
Unwind; unwravel
unwind you art
you evil warden
from me depart
Leave the child
with in me to grow
for beauty once again
may she know.

Happy Father's Day

I'm having a particularly bad day today, for various reasons I think. Firstly, I had lots of nightmares last night which is never good - in my case this brings on lots of panic and self destruction. Secondly, tomorrow is father's day and as it happens also my dad's birthday. Unfortunately, I only have bad memories of his birthday. In his own sick twisted, warped and depraved mind he only ever wanted one thing for his birthday.

I have tried not to think about it or dwell on it but, sometimes it feels like there is no escape. The scars (both physical and emotional) are deep and won't fade easily. Days like this are the days when I don't see the changes in me, I only see the shame and the guilt. These are the days when I question the very existence of God. How could a loving God let these things happen ? What did I do to deserve this ? What did I do wrong ? - It must have been my fault.

I know logically, when my head is clear that it wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed. But these feelings don't just go away ! I am damaged, broken, at times I feel beyond repair.

The craziest part about it is that I only ever wanted him to love me.