I am with you

God is faithful and true He is always with us, no matter how far away we feel. He has the most amazing unconditional love for each one of us. He knew us before we were formed He has counted every hair on our heads and we are His precious children !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am with you...

I am with you. Always.
No matter what your life looks like.
No matter what you are thinking.
No matter what is happening around you.

I am. I am with you. Always.

I made the decision to serve and love you. Always.

My hand is upon you, my child.
My hand will guide and lead you.
My hand will protect you.
My hand will strengthen you.
My hand will never leave you.

I have made the choice to help you.
I have made the choice to love you.
I have made the choice to be there.

For you.

So rest in Me. So rest in My presence.
So rest in the assurance that I do not leave you.
Rest, my child and find healing.
Rest and find life.
Rest and find Me.

I am. With you.

I love you.

Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit.

Panic

For those of you who maybe are reading my blog for the first time i do have a tendency to write poems about what's going on in my head . Some are better than others and some are a little dark, but that's just the way I am sometimes *shrugs*

PANIC

I'm tired.

I still feel like that eight year old girl who is looking for somewhere to feel safe, some one to take care of her.

I'm scared.

Every new experience fills me with panic and makes me sick at my stomach.

I'm trapped.

I want a place to go and hide, where I can just have peace.

I'm waiting.

For someone to make the bad man go away and spirit me away to a safe, warm place where there is love and nothing bad can happen anymore.

It feels like the floor will collapse under me, or the ceiling will fall down, of something really, really awful is going to happen.

My heart is racing. I'm panting. I feel like I need to run away from something, but what? An unnamed fear stalks me, ever present.

I want my daddy. I still want my daddy. But he's not there. He's sick, he's scary, and he’s not safe anymore.

Why do I still need him, still seek his approval and love? Why do I waste my efforts on something I'll never have?

If only I had safe place, for just awhile. Maybe, just maybe I could grow stronger.

But now I want to run away from daddy and to daddy. I want him to pick me up and hold me and tell me it's ok. I run back and forth, to him, away from him, to him, away from him. I pace like a cat cornered by a vicious dog.

Oh God, somebody hold me and make me feel safe.

I'm a woman now. I have to hold myself. I have to make myself safe. I can't. I don't know how. I never learned how.

Please tell me how to do it? Just hold my hand and tell me how to do it?

Emotional Tapestry

A tapestry of emotions
is weaving through my mind
a banner of colours
needing to unwind
The dark red of anger
leaves its path of hate
intertwining with depression
not a pleasant personality trait
The blues of hurt and fear
silently seep into the rest
causing an emotional pattern
not really quite the best
The deeper silent colours
of guilt, shame and broken pride
appears in the art
while trying really to hide
Through the years of pain
the tapestry has grown
to an overwhelming complex picture
still not all of it is known
For the front of the quilt
is what we see
and what it shows
is not really me
Under the colours
you should know
is a little child
wanting to grow
One who really wants
to learn to trust again
and not hide behind a smile
and play - "Let's pretend"
But a girl who wants
to just be free
from all that plagues and binds
to just be me
One who can laugh
and laughter is near
one who can jump
The colours of my life
have woven my fate
without thoughts of the girl
trapped within the gate
From inside I cry"let her free"
but the tapestry is there
and the emotions won't let her be
Unwind; unravel
unwind you art
you evil warden
from me depart
Leave the child
with in me to grow
for beauty once again
may she know.
and play without fear

Depression

Why such sadness?
I feel so lonely today.
Depression sets in,
and the tears creep softly from my eyes.
Why must I suffer like this?
Depression is taking the life from me.
Day by day, hour by hour,
my heart, mind, and body are consumed.
A suffocating black fog settles in,
no light to be seen anywhere.
Things I used to love to do are not
interesting anymore.
People whom I have always loved now
feel very distant.I feel lost.
I can see myself wandering around aimlessly,
with nowhere to go.
Somewhere within me lives a smile.
What has happened to that smile?
It is hidden behind silent torment, and nightmares,
and self-judgment.
I judge myself as I see myself,
and there is not much to see here.
The scared, abused, misunderstood little girl
from my nightmares...is a sad, faltering woman.
Me.

Oh

Today my world came crashing down around me

I failed today

Today one of the very things that kept me going was taken away from me for my own good (apparently)

Today I am broken

The Lord's Prayer

The Lord's Prayer


'OUR FATHER...' MATTHEW 6:9
Jesus taught His disciples to pray: 'After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father...' (Matthew 6:9 KJV). Don't miss this: the relationship you have with someone determines the level of comfort and confidence with which you approach them. So Jesus begins by emphasising: The person. 'Our Father...' Now, if you had an absentee father who was never there for you, or an abusive father who hurt you, or an emotionally unavailable father who never showed you much love or acceptance, then you need a new concept of God; a Scriptural one; otherwise your past will sabotage you. Before you can trust someone you have to know they really care about you. Once that happens you'll open up to them. Only then can your wounded areas be made whole. 'Our Father...' that puts an address on the envelope! You need to understand Who you're talking to, and the relationship you have with Him. You approach God on the basis of who you are to Him, and Whom He is to you. Your Heavenly Father is a covenant making, covenant keeping God. When two people in Bible days made a covenant it wasn't a casual 'call me sometime' with no commitment. No, they sealed it with blood, meaning, 'I'll give my life for you if necessary.' You can actually call God 'Papa' without a trace of irreverence: 'This resurrection life you received from God is...adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"...We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children' (Romans 8:15-16 TM). So, to pray the Lord's Prayer effectively we must recognise and rejoice in who He is to us - 'Our Father...'

fa‧ther [fah-ther] –noun

a male parent

a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider.

Doesn't it sound perfect, yet father / dad / daddy all nearly impossible to say without being overwhelmed with pain. How difficult it is to see God as a loving father when the image I have is so distorted. This last few days I have been drowning in grief, I feel the old bitterness coming back.

I sit here and cry over what happened to me, I have had my childhood, my innocence robbed from me by someone who should have protected me. I have spent the majority of my life in fear of 'the next time' knowing there would always be a next time. And now having escaped the madness, the abuse and my own slow death, I am still sat here in fear, an emotional wreck who today is struggling to hold it all together.

I am supposed to be looking to the future, not dwelling on the past. But today I feel too wiped out to even think about tomorrow, right now this minute I am just aiming for each hour. Today I am a little child looking for security, safety, protection and desperately in need of a parents love.

Love ?

It's a constant battle, I try to be strong and courageous, but I am weak and afraid. Today in my distress I cry out to You God come and rescue me. I can't do this without You. I am broken and damaged, ashamed and fearful, dirty and unlovable. Today I cling onto what little hope I have, I am battling against old habits more than ever before. The urge to cut is so strong, I deserve to hurt, I deserve to be in pain be it physical or emotional. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to hide and escape, but it is always there with me. I'm sorry, if you think I am avoiding you then you are correct, I know you care and want to help but I don't deserve to be loved.

With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.

The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.

I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God.