Oh

Today my world came crashing down around me

I failed today

Today one of the very things that kept me going was taken away from me for my own good (apparently)

Today I am broken

The Lord's Prayer

The Lord's Prayer


'OUR FATHER...' MATTHEW 6:9
Jesus taught His disciples to pray: 'After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father...' (Matthew 6:9 KJV). Don't miss this: the relationship you have with someone determines the level of comfort and confidence with which you approach them. So Jesus begins by emphasising: The person. 'Our Father...' Now, if you had an absentee father who was never there for you, or an abusive father who hurt you, or an emotionally unavailable father who never showed you much love or acceptance, then you need a new concept of God; a Scriptural one; otherwise your past will sabotage you. Before you can trust someone you have to know they really care about you. Once that happens you'll open up to them. Only then can your wounded areas be made whole. 'Our Father...' that puts an address on the envelope! You need to understand Who you're talking to, and the relationship you have with Him. You approach God on the basis of who you are to Him, and Whom He is to you. Your Heavenly Father is a covenant making, covenant keeping God. When two people in Bible days made a covenant it wasn't a casual 'call me sometime' with no commitment. No, they sealed it with blood, meaning, 'I'll give my life for you if necessary.' You can actually call God 'Papa' without a trace of irreverence: 'This resurrection life you received from God is...adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"...We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children' (Romans 8:15-16 TM). So, to pray the Lord's Prayer effectively we must recognise and rejoice in who He is to us - 'Our Father...'

fa‧ther [fah-ther] –noun

a male parent

a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider.

Doesn't it sound perfect, yet father / dad / daddy all nearly impossible to say without being overwhelmed with pain. How difficult it is to see God as a loving father when the image I have is so distorted. This last few days I have been drowning in grief, I feel the old bitterness coming back.

I sit here and cry over what happened to me, I have had my childhood, my innocence robbed from me by someone who should have protected me. I have spent the majority of my life in fear of 'the next time' knowing there would always be a next time. And now having escaped the madness, the abuse and my own slow death, I am still sat here in fear, an emotional wreck who today is struggling to hold it all together.

I am supposed to be looking to the future, not dwelling on the past. But today I feel too wiped out to even think about tomorrow, right now this minute I am just aiming for each hour. Today I am a little child looking for security, safety, protection and desperately in need of a parents love.

Love ?

It's a constant battle, I try to be strong and courageous, but I am weak and afraid. Today in my distress I cry out to You God come and rescue me. I can't do this without You. I am broken and damaged, ashamed and fearful, dirty and unlovable. Today I cling onto what little hope I have, I am battling against old habits more than ever before. The urge to cut is so strong, I deserve to hurt, I deserve to be in pain be it physical or emotional. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to hide and escape, but it is always there with me. I'm sorry, if you think I am avoiding you then you are correct, I know you care and want to help but I don't deserve to be loved.

With everything that happened with dad I now see myself as being dirty, ashamed of myself and the question screaming out of me is WHY WOULD ANYONE LOVE ME ??? Now I don't want answers to that I am merely expressing what is going on and where I am at with all of this, and yes I continue to work through this daily.

The question really is how do I hand this over to God and see myself as He sees me. I know today as I sit here typing this that I need God now more than ever. I am sure He will get sick of listening to me moan on at Him. What I just don't get is that if God can heal sickness instantly why can't He do the same with me? Why do I have to go through all this stuff to be made whole? I want to get through a day without being reminded of what he did to me, a day without panic and fear, a day where I can look in the mirror without wanting to be sick.

I have to tell myself constantly that it wasn't my fault that dad abused me and some days I actually believe it. But there are days when it hurts like hell and I don't think so clearly, and then there are the really dark days when I think i must have done something to deserve it. It's hard to see myself as a child of God.

Come

You are ugly!
You are worth nothing!
You are not good enough!

You feel it deep inside
The pain that never goes away
You know you are not good enough
The loneliness that aches
You are too unattractive
The desperation is always there
You are simply a burden

People laugh behind your back
Constantly disapproving of you
No matter how hard you try
You are not good enough
You have never been good enough
You never will be good enough
Even if someone compliments you
You know it’s a mistake
You don’t believe it
They certainly can’t mean it anyway
They probably just feel sorry for you
Knowing you’re a problem case
You are so weird
You don’t fit the norm
You don’t belong

You keep comparing yourself
To the way they dress
How gorgeously slim they are
How beautifully their hair shines
How fit and muscular they are
How spontaneous and funny they are
But you
You are just not like that
You certainly cannot do that and
You know that you absolutely cannot have that either
You were born to be the bridesmaid
And will never be a bride
It was just not meant for you to be like them
What is more you believe all this to true?
Don’t you?

But
YOU
Yes you
I’m talking to you
You are actually wrong about all this
You see you were actually made perfect
By the almighty God Himself
Yes! That’s right
The Maker of heaven and earth
You were appointed by Him to be His child
So you are a child of the King of Kings
The eternal everlasting Lord of Lords
And you are His child forever
Yes fooooreeeeveeeer!
You are not just a girl in the crowd
You are not forgotten in the multitude
God chooses YOU
You!
He speaks His words over you
He whispers His name over you
His smile is just for you
Making an unfading imprint on your being
His loving words to you are heavy in the sky

But!
No!
You cringe
Compared to so much beauty around you
He must be wrong
He hasn’t looked carefully enough
He does not know who you really are
How deep the ugliness goes
Why you?
Why does that voice call your name?
Why not someone else?
Someone you look up to
He could do so much more with them
Use me?
What are you talking about, God?
Me?
You’ve made a big mistake
Seriously
Think about it

No I won’t think about it!
Who is likely to be right about this?
The creator of the universe or you?
I want you
I choose you
You are the one I have chosen
to pour out all my love upon
I have known my plans and feelings for you
For as long as I can remember(and that is a long time I can tell you)
Since I first thought of the earth
And all that is in it
Before I made anything or even quieted the heavens
In my thoughts I saw you standing before Me
A smile on My lips
And oh the desire in My heart
The longing for the day
That you would become reality
That you would be born
To live on My earth
So that I could look at you
every day of your life with joy
Oh that day was a wonder
What a celebration we had here
I summoned the angels
And pointed to you
There!
There is My child
Finally after all these years
Look how beautiful
Look how exquisite
So intricately designed
From the complexity of my image

Then we watched as you began to grow
We heard your first laugh
Saw you take your first steps as you learned to walk
You tried to talk and I was thrilled
I watched you all day
I was so delighted
And today
I still delight
I still look down at you with joy
Oh My child if only you could see
What I have put in you!
If only you were able to comprehend
How much I have in store for you
Then you would delight as I do
Then you would look at your life
and your self so differently
I have tried to explain it fully in My book
So you could read it day and night
So you could always hold on to it
But you are too afraid to believe
You are too afraid to hold on
Because your self image is
Distorted
Crushed
Veiled
Destroyed
You have read about yourself in the Bible
But you think you aren’t good enough
You think you have to change first
Only then will I accept you
Only then will I embrace you

Allow me
Oh My child
ALLOW Me
To smooth away the shattered edges
To wipe away the spider webs and tears
To reveal the truth
To heal you
To restore you again
Into the image I had of you
When I first thought of you aeons ago
I see that person in you still
You are how I made you

But there is so much baggage
Piled up on your back
So many lies
Destroying words
Dishonouring actions
False hopes
Bitter wounds
Have pounded into your soul
Under this heavy burden you cannot
Look into My mirror
Because you think you are dirty and that
Your failures
Your bruises
Your doubts
Your memories
Your pain
Your unforgiveness
Have turned Me away from you

But my child
This is why I gave my Son
He was wounded for your transgressions
Bruised for your iniquities
Despised on the cross
He was rejected so He could take away your rejection
In your place He was deserted
so you don’t have to feel that way
Even by Me
Yes, even by ME
I turned My head away from Him
I could not look at Him
It was revolting to my eyes
How much it hurt for Me to reject My son
But how much was accomplished
And of such value to mankind
those long dark hours were!

Because now the way is free between you and My throne
The door is open and all the obstacles are gone

So are you coming?
I am inviting you to my throne right now
Draw close to Me
Come My child
I long for you
And I know you long for it to
There is NOTHING that can stand between us
Believe me
I do not lie you know
This is the whole truth
I love YOU!
Come
COME
Let me embrace you
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Draw a smile on your lips
Allow me
ALLOW ME

My heart beats for you
I think you are so beautiful
So utterly beautiful
So incredibly wonderful
So perfect
Come!

Broken

A smile that hides a world of pain,
Behind those eyes there's fear.
Skin that was once clean and pure,
Now the dirt won't clear.

Invisible to their innocent eyes,
Wounds that will not heal.
Destroyed in the worst possible way,
the pain does not seem real.

His voice created the fear in her eyes,
His touch caused the dirt.
Memories caused those painful wounds,
Unseen, but they hurt.

Inside her there are shards of glass,
Thoughts remain unspoken.
Those memories will never rest,
Now inside she's broken

I Deserve

I deserve

I deserve pain,
not love,
I deserve enemies,
not friends,
I deserve punishment,
not a hug,
I deserve tears,
not smiles,
I deserve dislike,
not caring,
I deserve sadness,
not happiness,
I deserve death,
not eternity,
I deserve abuse,
not worthiness,
I deserve hurt,
not relief,
I deserve wounds,
not presents,
death is knocking,
soon my hand will unite,
with deaths and we will fly away into the mist.

The Silent Child

My apologies if this upsets anyone


She sits alone in her room
and wipes away her tears
Hiding beneath the covers
so no one else hears ~
She wraps them tight around her
to shut out all her pain
Praying if there is a God
to make her safe again.

She snuggles deep into her bed
holding the covers tight
Cuddling her little teddy bear
she leaves on the light ~
She waits for the assurance
that all has gone to bed
Then settles into slumber
so she can dream instead.

She wakes at the sound of footsteps
walking down the hall
Then he stops outside her room
and opens up the door ~
She shivers with her childlike fear
as she starts to cry
Knowing what he has come here for
though she doesn't know why.

He tells her she is special
that she's his little girl
As he pulls back the covers
into her silent world ~
He says that it's their secret
the special game they play
For no one else would understand;
they'd just take him away.

She lay there in her silence
with her clothes on the floor
Trying not to think of it
as the tears slowly fall ~
She hears the clock ticking
as her mind drifts away
Her teddy bear beside her
where he also lay.

She wonders why he comes to her
in the middle of the night
When he should be with mummy
holding her so tight ~
She listens to him tell her
that she will be to blame
If anyone discovers
their special secret game.

She pulls up the covers
as he rises from her bed
Tweaking at her little nose
and kissing her forehead ~
She watches as he dresses
as he tells her once again
This is their little secret;
she mustn't say a thing.

She watches as he leaves her room
and closes the door
And listens for his footsteps
walking back down the hall ~
Then she cuddles up to teddy
and cries her silent tears
Beneath her soiled covers
so no one else can hear.

And as she lay in her silence
with her tear-filled eyes
Each time that he comes to her
a part of her dies ~
So she curls up in her bed
and hugs her teddy tight
And prays that he will never come
to her again at night.